▶ Your Answer : It is often believed that we should donate to charities regardless of our income. However, contrary to in contrast to this idea, I firmly believe that if certain people's income is low, they do not have to donate to charities by force. This is because it can stress people out and influence the economy badly.To begin with. people who do not earn much money can get so stressed out if they have to donate their money. People manage their money carefully, and choose what to buy and where to live by from their income. Therefore, if they have to donate to charity forcibly, they cannot do what they want, so it is natural that they feel stressed out. For example, my friend's job is nurse so she earns a little money. She is really fond of buying luxury items, so she saves her money on bank on months. However, before two months ago, the medical club which she is joining in forced members to donate money to buy high-tech medical machines. She really did not want to, but donated. So, she could not buy the luxury hat that she planed to buy in two months. As a result, she got so stressed out, so she has not worked was not able to work properly, even now. (예시가 좀 억지인듯한 느낌이 듭니다) On top of that, it donating can cause bad effect to the economy. If people contribute their money to the charity by force, their money available decreases, so their consumption diminishes too. Also, people who works low-paying job might be financially in trouble. These results affect the economy very negatively. For instance, my university- Sung Kyun Kywn university made college students to donate their money to build the new library. The students had no choice but to contribute, so their selling abilities decreased and a few students was financially in the bad situation. Naturally, they reduced their consumption, so the commercial supremacy near the university took a big hit. A lot of stores, cafes, and restaurants were closed so the local economy was very depressed. (논지에 어긋나는 거 같습니다, 기부는 경제에 부정적인 효과를 일으킨다는데 그런거에 대한 설명은 없고 갑자기 성균관대 예시가 나온거 같습니다) To sum up, compelling people to contribute to the charity can give stress to them and affects the economy badly. In this regard, I feel that people do not have to donate their money if their income is not enough to donate. Fair: 17~23 점수: 20 일단 가장 큰 문제점은 바디 1이나 바디 2에서 나온 예시들이 작성자의 이유를 서포트하지 못합니다. 첫 번째 바디에 예시는 억지인 듯한 느낌이 들었고. 바디 2에 예시는 성균관대 도서관 보다는 이유에 맞게 기부가 왜 국내 경제에 않좋은 영향을 줬는지에 대한 예시가 필요할 거 같습니다 예를들면 경제 불황을 맞았다거나 말이죠. 또한 약간의 문법적 오류도 있었습니다. 수고하셨습니다. |