▶ Your Answer :
There is some disagreement over whether or not advice from grandparents to their grandchildren today is not as useful as it was in the past. Some people might insist that advice from grandparents is very useful to grand children. However, if I were asked asker to answer, I would say that it is not as useful today. This is because their world is too different to give advice. In the current world, relationship is more important factor than the past. Also, money is regarded as more precious than the past. To begin with, it is widely accepted that relationship between people is one of the most essential factors in this world. In the past, one’s ability was the most substantial factor to success. However, along with one’s own ability, it is sometimes necessary to have a person who can assist and help you out at hard times in the current world. Seoul Nnational Uuniversity recently conducted the survey in which workers to identify the requirement for to success in the workplace. What they found was intriguing. Sixty percent of the surveyed people cited that they are influenced by their assistant person. Only twenty people reported that they are driven by their ability. The study convincingly affirms that unlike the past, relationship is the most essential to success in this world. Moreover, it is not a secret that money is regarded as more important factor than the past. Without money, current people cannot maintain their minimum level of sustentation sustenance, causing mental distress and even physical health. However, in the past, people usually maintained their lives by their ancestor’s financial resources. I will take my personal experience to elucidate this point. Last year, my grandparents gave me advice that money is not important than my your dream so try to realize my your dream. Hhowever, I realized that, without affordable financial resources, I could not do anything in this current world. Therefore, their advice was not useful to me. All things considered, grandparents cannot give good advice to their grandchildren. The reason is that their world is too different from now. In current world, relationship is more important factor than the past. Also, money is regarded as more precious than the past. Therefore, I strongly believe that it is better to receive some advice from their peers than grandparents.
Comment : 현재 글은 과거와 오늘날이 어떤 점이 다른지 설명하는 데 초점이 가 있기 때문에 논점이 맞지 않습니다. '어떤 이유에서' 조부모 세대의 조언이 유용하지 못한지를 설명하는 데 초점을 두고 풀어주어야 합니다. 특히 본론1의 경우에는 grandparents' advice라는 키워드 언급이 전혀 없습니다. 과거의 세상과 오늘날의 세상이 돌아가는 이치가 많이 달라졌다는 점이 근거가 될 수는 있지만, 어떻게 다른지를 불필요하게 많이 설명할 것이 아니라 그들의 조언이 오늘날 아이들이 처한 문제상황 해결에 도움이 되지 못하는 부분들에 초점을 두고 내용을 풀어주어야 합니다. 주제에 정확한 답변이 될 수 있도록 글을 다시 구성해보시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 같은 주제로 쓰인 다른 글들도 참고하시면 도움이 될 거예요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임) |