▶ Your Answer : Some people might think that television and movies have more positive effects than negative effects on children's behavior. However, I give a several reasons that those kinds of electronic device give negative effect on children's behavior. In this day, there are a mount of movies that are released regardless grene(무슨 뜻인지 모르겠어요). And all of films have appropriate age to be allowed to watch it. Furthermore, some kinds of movies or television programs has have possibility to give negative impact for especially not mature immature people.
First, young children do not have ability to distinguish what is right or what is wrong. For this reason, they imitate the behavior on some violate films. Even though, the broadcasting companies are know about this these problems, they continue to broadcast inappropriate films for children. To illustrate, there is a a child who really like to watch movies. However, he liked to watch kind of violation films that normally kill people by some weapon. Someday, this child is arrested. The reason why, was because he beat his schoolmate by with a metal pipe when he is was angry. After the police asked him why he hit his friend with weapon, his answer is he did not realize that behavior could kill him because in the movie, they never die. Thus, I strongly believe that Television and movies have more negative effect than positive effects on children's behavior.(명확한 출처 없이 가정으로 예시를 제시하는 것은 오히려 글의 설득력을 떨어트립니다)
Second, watching movie and television take a much of time for the children have suppose to study and they interrupt them from studying and thinking. the television is called stupid box. this device stop the children are thinking and also impact their creativity. This is why most of parents prefer reading books than watching television. According the research, the television effect affect children's thinking ability.
To sum up, there is no doubt that there are much more negative reasons than positive reasons. So I amply support for that television and movies have more negative effects than positive effect on children's behavior.
예상 점수: 14-17 총평: 일단 문법적인 오류가 너무 많아요. idiom과 fluency그리고 어휘를 잘 확인하세요. 두번째로 내용적으로도 부실합니다. 예시는 절대로 가정을 해서 사용하는 것이 아닙니다. 또한 두번째 예시는 조금 더 구체적으로 서술하셔야 해요. 전체적으로 수정이 많이 필요한 글입니다. 수정된 부분을 다시 확인해 보세요. 수고 많으셨습니다. |