Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Young people enjoy life more than older people do. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer
some people believe that older people enjoy more than young people because of stress from employment or studying, other people differently think. If I were asked to choose, I would say that young people relish more (무엇을 더 relish한다는 건 가요?) to compare older people. There are several reasons and example as follows.
To begin with, Logically development of technology are proportionate the time such because people are always greedy about more new and more technical thing. So the young generations can relish the more developed thing than older generation. For example, when I was a 15, I went to museum to explore ancestor's culture.
I learned and astonished much logical stuff by shaping wise ancestor, also the culture contains equipment to enjoy. but, it was seen too boring stuff(복수어떻게말하나요 grammerly에걸리네요) and ways from my eye.
This is because recent young people enjoy the pc or smartphone by making high technique. however, my ancestor merely relished the puzzle or throwing a fragment of rock. So, it seemed very pitiful.
on top of that, it may be adapted limited few countries, almost recent people don't have to experience the war.
In other words, they are not suffered from fear of war or pressure of army.
To be specific, we can purely enjoy the entertainment.
But, my ancestor always had to be suffered when they do anything.
Therefore, they probably could not play well except people who locate in high hierarchy.
for instance, when I was 9, I was intent to study the Korean history.
The history contained many eras such as the era of three kingdoms, era of novel three kingdoms.
but I perceived that span of changing regime is very short and government very exploit the citizens.
Thus I firmly think that ancestors or older people could not simply enjoy
Fair: 17~23
점수: 23
일단 에세이 구조와 맞지 않습니다. 독립형에세이에서 가장 기본적인 구조를 갖는 것은 인트로 바디 결론입니다. 이러한 면에 있어서 지금 이 에세이는 많은 부족함을 보이고 있는 거 같습니다. 결론이 없습니다. 결론을 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 이 에세이를 통해서 무슨 말을 하려고 하는 것인지 잘모르겠습니다. 좀 더 명확하게 자신의 의견을 제시하는 것이 독립형 에세이에서 가장 필요해 보이는 거 같습니다. 이러한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.