People who are in charge of managing
and maintaining the city often face difficulties to decide priorities of
the topics where they should focus and invest more on. These days, we can
easily see that people discuss to choose the most important part among
improvement of environment, affordable housing or attracting new business. In
my opinion, I believe that the environment is the most essential issue that the
government should focus on.
To begin with, environmental problem cannot be solved without the
government. To be specific, the environmental pollution such as destroyed ozone
or garbage-island floating in the ocean has been mainly caused by improper
behavior of human being held on nature. The government has a role to let citizen
know which of their daily habits ruin the nature and encourage their people act
environmental-friendly. Let me bring my personal experience as an example. When For example, when I was a little child, I lived in a capital city which had serious air
pollution. One day the government started to do campaign to encourage people
using less cars and more buses or subways. They also provide some financial
benefits for people who use eco-friendly vehicles. After some years, finally,
the air condition of the city had been so much improved. This case shows that
the government should intervene to solve the environmental problem.
On top of that, improved environment bring brings better quality of lives
of the citizens. To explain, people who live in the clean and less-polluted
city would have less stress and more satisfaction with their city eventually.
According to the survey done by Employment Institute, more than 80 percent of
employees answered that they lessen their stress by breathing fresh air outside
of the office. In other words, even they are doing the same works, they are
less stressed when they are placed in clean and fresh circumstance. However,
what if they can smell only the automobile exhaust?
To sum up, I believe that the environmental improvement is the
most urgent issue to be handled by the government. It is because the government
is the main agent to solve this problem. In addition, improved environment will
enhance the quality of lives.
Good: 24~30
점수: 26
일단 이 에세이의 문제점은 각 단락이 균형에 맞춰져 있지 않습니다. 특히 두 번째 단락이 첫 번째 단락보다 내용면에 있어서 많이 부족합니다. 또한 에세이를 서술하실 때 마무리 부분에 의문형으로 마무리하면 안됩니다. 의문형으로 마무리를 하는 것 보다는 좀 더 결론을 짓는 문장으로 마무리 하는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다. 이러한 부분들이 두 번째 단락에서 많이 보여지기 때문에 조심하면서 에세이를 서술하는 것 이 좋을 거 같습니다. 두 번째 단락 이외에는 문제되는 것이 없습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.