▶ Your Answer : In this day, expecially parents in korea especially parents in Korea tend to care their child more than much. Folloing Following that, I would like to discuss about this subject. Most of them do not want to their children deal with trouble or struggle by problems. Some people might say that parents should prevent children from making mistakes. However, I strongly believe that parents should not prevent children from making mistakes because mistakes are important learning opportunities. I will give two reasons to valuate my assertion. for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, preventing children making mistakes is take the chance to takes opportunities to have rudimentary things to be success person from them.(이 부분은 무슨 말을 하려고 하는 건가요? 설명이 필요해 보입니다) Mistakes make them grow and help them be mature matured. Furthermore, experiencing a mistake helps children avoid making the same mistake again. I believe that those things are essential factor for their future. To illustrate my experience, when I had lunch with the ceo of outlet called 'savezone', he told me that if he were not did not undergo many mistake, he had not be here would have not been here. he said mistake is valuable things more than success. The reason why, he learned how to overcome problem by mistakes. In addition, he amply support for the supports the claim that parents preventing making mistakes is same as like ruining their children.
On top of that, if parents should prevent children from making mistakes, the children are distrubed disturbed by parents to search about what they want to do or their dream. Children are learn learn what they want to do in the future by a myriad of experience include making mistakes. When I was high school, I can see a large number of friends who confuesing about were confused with their future. They told me that they want to be a doctor or lawer lawyer even though they are not peasure forced to be a doctor or lawer lawyer to make their parents happy. I frimly firmly argue this situations are absolutely bad for them.
For those reasons, I think parents should not prevent children from making mistakes not only for children's success, but also for their happiness. To sum up, preveting childrens preventing children from making mistake is violation and deprevatin for them. so I claim that parents should let them what are they want to do. Fair: 17~23 점수: 18 일단 문법적인 오류들이 너무 많습니다. 문법적인 오류들이 너무나 많다 보니까 전반적인 에세이 플로우를 방해하고 있습니다. 이러한 문법적 오류 때문에 전반적으로 이 에세이를 통하여서 무슨 말을 하려고 하는 것인지 잘 모르겠습니다. 좀 더 명확하게 간결하게 본인의 이유를 전달하려고 하는 것이 있어야 하는데 이러한 부분에 있어서 많은 부족함이 나타나는 거 같습니다. 따라서 좀 더 에세이를 서술하실 때 문장을 길게 서술하려고 하는 것 보다는 간결하게 본인의 의견을 제시하는 것이 가장 좋을 거 같습니다. 이러한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |