■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic :
The most important thing the government
should do to improve health care is to clean the environment. A/D
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▶ Your Answer :
Improving health care for citizens is one
of the most significant things that the government must invest their money and
time in. Under this circumstance, it is of great worth to discuss whether it
is the most effective way to clean the environment for health care or not.
As far as I am concerned, my stance is line
with the perspective that cleaning the environment is the most significant thing
that the government should do for improvement of health care. First and foremost, considering the fact
that a ton of birds which live on the streets of cities can easily be the
source of the mass infection, the government must clean the environment of
cities to protect people from being infected in contagious diseases. (필요 없는 구절입니다.)
To further illustrate my standpoint with an
example, I would like to discuss two cases of Korea, which was happened in 1999
and 2010. To be specific, the primary cause for mass infection of the flu,
which killed over five million people in 1999, was revealed by the research. It was the birds. (콜론은 세 개 이상 단어를 나열할 때 써주세요.) Almost 20 years ago, there were always a number of birds in the cities
of Korea and their sole way to subsist in the city was eating foods or garbage dropped
by the people. As a result, people had gradually been familiar with birds and
this aggravated the dissemination of the deadly disease among the citizens. On
the other hand, 2010, when the avian flu was introduced to Korea secondly, the
government was able to readily prevent its infection because they diminished
number of birds on the street beforehand. This example definitely shows that cleaning
the environment would be the most effective way to improve health care. (birds를 죽이는 것이 environment를 clean하는 것인가요? 본질에서 벗어난 것 같습니다.)
To summarize what I mentioned above, I am
for the notion that the top priority thing that the government must do to
improve health care is providing the cleanest environment for people. Therefore, nothing in mind casts doubt in
my resolute standpoint regarding given statement. (325 words)
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바디 한 개로만 썼습니다..
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토플 에세이의 기본적인 구성은 서론 - 본론 1 - 본론 2 - 결론입니다.
지금은 문장들이 다 scattered 되어 있어서 어디서부터 어디까지가
서론이고 본론이고 이런 구조가 전혀 잡혀있지 않습니다.
문단을 나눔으로써 구조를 확실하게 잡아주시기 바랍니다.
그리고 비둘기 clean을 main point로 쓰셨는데 솔직히 말해서 off-topic과 마찬가지입니다.
clean the environment지 removing bad/toxic/harmful things가 아닙니다.
플러스가 되어야 하는데 에세이가 전반적으로 마이너스의 느낌이라 아쉽습니다.
수고하셨습니다. *^^*