1. mechanical development
various technologies. especially robots and computer -> telecommuting
ex) my uncle engineer for 30 years. only supervise the process in factroy
2. encourage to have more leisure time
increasing suicide rate -> modern people easily depressed .
one mean of sustainable admistrations company engourage
ex) A survey shows that graduate students set the first proriets
Most people consider the amount of available leisure time when choosing their jobs because enjoying life is important as much as having lucrative jobs. Meanwhile, some experts cautiously expect that there will be more leisure time in the future than now. I strongly agree with their suggestion because various technologies are rapidly developed and companies are encouraging employees to have more leisure time.
Most of all, scientists and engineers have been studying lots of state-of-the-art technologies, which will play much more roles in various industries. In fact, the amount of works that modern people are doing is far less compared to the past workload. Recently, the speed of tehnological developments are getting faster and faster. In this regard, even telecommuting is in all rages(is all the rage..랑 똑같은
말인가요? 궁금해서;) today. Taking my uncle's case to demonstrate this point,(문장이엇어요) he has worked at the furniture factory for 30 years. In the past, he assembled furnitures in the workplace for about 9 hours a day. However since 3 years ago, he just supervises the whole process which is all proceeded by robots. Although this convinence is partially due to his long working years, he would not even imagine those robots without rapid development of mechanical technologies. 마지막에 뭐
한문장이라도 좋으니, 그래서 삼촌은 더많은 레이져타임을 전보다 가질수있다 라고 토픽센텐스를
다시 써주는것도 좋아요 ^^... 근데 토픽은 지금부터 20년후에를 얘기하는거니까... 그거랑 연관시켜서
결론을 지어야겟죠, 뭐 지금부터 30년전부터 지금까지..이러이러한 변화가있었으니..이제 20년후는
더 큰 진화,발전...이 있어서..사람들이 더 레이져타임이 많아질것이다 blablabla뭐 이렇게..
On top of that, companies let their workers to have more leisure time. As modern society is getting complex, some people are having hard time caused by several personal problems. A survey that suicide rate increased drastically in the last 10 years reflects this social phenomenon. Thus many companies guarantee enough leisure time to for their employees to relax, excersice and improve themselves as one of the sustainable admistration policies . According to the the recruiting researh institution, more than the quater of graduate students in Korea set the leisure time as their first priority when choosing their jobs. This trend illustrates that companies will give workers more personal time to attract many applicants.
음, 두번째 예는 토픽이랑 잘 맞는지는 잘 모르겠네요; 뭐 콩쿨루젼을 보면 대충 짜맞추면
될꺼같긴한데, 저기 위에 써논것처럼 두번째도 토픽센텐스랑 마지막에 이어주세요;
잘못하다간 off topic이 될수도있으니까요.
To sum up, it is evident that people have more leisure time in the future thanks to technological deveopment and companies' encouragement. Therefore, we are required to spend the increasing leisure time in desirable ways.
뭐 중간에 오타몇개빼곤, 그래머나 structre도 다 좋구요, 단어도 수준있네요 ^^
근데, 더욱더 글 내용이 토픽에 잘 맞아떨어졌으면 좋겟네요..
아무리 잘써도 off topic이면 점수는 gg인거 아시죠?
항상 토픽을 염두에두시고 글을 쓰셨으면 좋겟네요 ^^
굳럭! |