These days, Korean parents tend to move their house into the cities (move to cities로 간단히;;) for the sake of their kids' better education system. With the firm belief that what they(specify>>parents) are doing to for their kids will later greatly help in their kids' future, then the parents send their kids to the academies in cities and therefore forcing them to shoulder the insurmountable amount of assignments. I was one of the kids who were raised in this way, /끊고, and with the personal experiences I took through living this kind of life, I firmly believe that for children growing up in the countryside is far better than living in a big city.for children (뒤로 보내주세요)
First of all, in most cases kids of countryside are not confined in to the great amount of daily assignmnts from academies, after-school academic courses, and so on. Therefore, they have more time and chances to study more than students of the cities.(이렇게만 말해버리면 말이안돼죠;솔직히 도시에서
사는 얘들이 더 공부는 많이 하잔아요;)they have more time and chances to learn/experience nature and get a wide range of knowledge..뭐 이렇게 specific하게 쓰는게 더 낫지않을까싶네요)
For example, countryside kids know much better than city kids about the name and the feature of certain flowers, animals, or trees, albeit the countryside kids have rarely learned about those things. At the same time, as countryside kids participate in farmwork and small-sized sports festival in at school, they get to know how to build good social relationship with others. 이 문단에서 말하고자 하는
support,이유를(토픽센턴스)를 마지막에 한문장으로 써주세여 >> academic studies/theory보다는
뭐experience/activities 이런걸 통해서 시골에서 살면 뭐 어찌어찌해서 좋다..뭐 이런식으로
On top of that, by living in the countryside kids can grow up more healthily than when they grow up in the big, smoky cities. As a matter of fact, it is obvious that kids of countryside will be healthier than those of in cities, for they inhale oxygen with less ashes, drink water with less chemical wastes, and eat vegetables with less pesticides. Recent scientific research supports this obvious idea, reporting that the kids of the countryside have a far less percentage of having serious diseases such as cancer, leukemia, and polio than those of in the big cities. In addition, kids of countryside are physically healthier than those of cities because the country kids play sports and farmwork while the city kids sit in front of their desk and check up the answers for their homework. According to a recent article about education, these kids with better physical health would surpass the ones with worse health in academic activities too, for the physical health has an unknown link with mental health.
In a nutshell, I think living in countryside will help kids to grow up better rather than living in the big cities. The kids of countrysides are freer than those of the big cities in terms of academic activities, and also they will be both physically and mentally healthier than the city ones. Therefore, all things considered I think countryside will be the better place for kids to grow up than the big cities.
음..오히려 전 너무 길게 쓰면 안좋다고 들었는데요?
아무래도 채점가가 미니뭄단어수보다 너무 길면 아무래도;
주어진 단어수정도에서 알맞게 끈내는것도 전 실력이라고 봐요.
말을 죽~~ 안늘어놔도 간단히 써도 포인트있게 얼마나 자신의 argument를 잘 써내려가느냐가
중요한거죠.쓸데없는말 단어수늘린다고 한없이 붙여놓으면 좋을것 하나없다고 전 생각합니다 ^^
아무리 길게써도, 그래머 다 틀리고 하면 좋을것 하나없죠;;;( 뭐 저의 생각이지만도;;)
뭐 정~말 잘쓰고 틀린거 하나도 없이 만약 길게도 쓴다면..좋은점수받을 수?도 있겠지만;
님께는 recommend해주고싶지는 않네요 지금 중요한건 에세이 전체 쓰는 내내 토픽과
연관시키는것과, 그래머 틀리지 않는거, 길이보단 내용에 더욱더 신경쓰는게 훨~~~씬
점수올리는데 도움이 될거라고 전 생각해요..^^
그리고 문장을 무조건 길게 만드는게 좋다고 생각하시지는 말구요.
끊을땐 과감히 끊어서 심플하게, 이해하기 쉽게 하시는 것도 좋을것 같네요
굳렄입니다.
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