Why do the people attend college or university? Well, there are many reasons of it. For example, new experiences, career preparation, increase knowledge. (increase 가 main 동사로 쓰인게 맞나요? increase knowledge?!! 그리고, 앞에 나열하신거면, new experiences, and career~ 이렇게 중간에 콤마와 and 가 필요합니다^^ 아!! 다시 읽어보니.. 저 세개를 나열하실때에 동명사는 모두 동명사로 바꿔주시고, 다 맞춰주세요! 그냥 increase knowledge 라고 쓰면 increase 가 동사처럼 보이니까..!) (Each person might have different reasons, but anyway,) I think the two big main reasons people attend university are for their Career. (where is the other reason?! the two reasons 라고 하셨는데!) I’ll explain it specifically in next paragraph.
(이유 두가지 다 써주셔야해요^^ 간단하게!!)
First of all, one of the big reasons that make (one 이 주어니까, that makes!) (that drive) people students to attend college is future career. Career is important In life, and it’s a means of living. We can get our career more easily if we had attended attend college or university, because most firms don’t want the people who are not well-educated, (firms 가 like well-educated 이라고 하는것이 더 좋을것같아요~^^) means, (which means, 입니다^^) are not college graduator. But if you had graduated college or university, it can be the evidence that you are prepared for that career and that’s what most firms see when they are trying to employ you. (이 문장은 그리 큰 역할을 하지 않는것 같습니다^^.. 뒷부분 : most firms see when they are~ 이 부분만 어색한 표현: firms see 바꿔서 앞문장에 써주면 좋을것같네요!) Also, some specialists like scientist or archeologist inquire require? people to graduate college, (inquire 을 쓰려면, inquire if people went to ~/ graduated ~) and get the degrees from the university. In order to be this kind of specialists, (successful, ) university diploma and degrees are required.
(첫 문장에서 future career 를 위해서. 라고 끝내지 마시고, 정확히 써주세요. future career 가 뭐 어떤데, 무엇을 위해서? 같은 specific 한 것을 꼭 mention 해주셔야 합니다^^.
university/college 에서 졸업하는것이 career 를 더 빨리 가지게 하나요? 뒤에 easy to get job/ easier to achieve dream career 이런식으로 써주셨는데, 그럼 그 부분을 문단의 첫 문장에 써주세요.
본론의 첫 문장은 항상 정확한 "이유" 를 써주셔야 합니다^^. 확실히 주장을 나타내어야 해요!
그리고, 예제가 조금 vague 한데, 정확히 써주세요.
내가 아는 (학력이 다른) 두 사람을 비교하거나, 나의 경험을 설명하거나.. 이렇게 직접적이고 자세한 예제를 써주셔야 본론의 주장을 좀 더 논리적이게 support 할수가 있습니다! bold 한 부분은 문법실수 입니다.
formal essay 에서는 don't, can't, isn't 등, 소유격이나 명칭을 제외하고는 apostrophe를 쓰지 않습니다~ 모두 do not, cannot ~ 등으로 바꾸시구요. 또, but, so, and 등으로 문장 시작하지 않습니다.)
The other reason people attend college is to build up improved, and specialized knowledge.(university 가 한 field 에 더 specialize 할수있도록 도와주기 때문에 라고 하는것이 좋을것같아요^^). everyone (문장 시작은 대문자!) knows that the level of knowledge we learn in college and high school are quite different. (~ we learn in college is quite different from ~) university teaches us the expert information while high school teaches us basic knowledge of many different areas. For example, if we want to major art history, in high school, we learn just a little bit about art history in art class, but in university, the person who wants to study about art history can have ‘art history’ class and chance to focus only on that area. So, many people attend college in order to learn more improved, or difficult and expert information.
In conclusion, people give much effort to attend college or university not only because they know that they need certain degree or diploma in order to get career (career, 그리고 achieve 하기 위함. 이라고 짧게 적어주세요~!^^) but also want to focus about one area between many on major subjects. |