In the past, information was so such a valuable resource that it is was difficult to get information withou money. (that people had to pay great amount of money to~ ) With the advant of technology, people can easily approach to a wealth of information. The information especially from the the internet is highly benefitial for people. It allows people to conduct extensive research quick and easily. not only easily but also qucikl. Moreover, people who are unable to take classes can take online classes.
(스펠링 실수가 좀 많으시네요!!^^ 주의하세요~!
그리고, quick and easily get information하기 때문에 인터넷이 valuable info. 를 제공하나요?
온라인 수업을 들을수 있기 때문에 인터넷이 valuable info. 를 제공하나요?
주제부터 좀 막연하긴 하지만, 주제가 "인터넷이 우리 생활을 편리하게 만들었다." 가 아니라, "인터넷이 valuable info.를 제공해준다." 이기 때문에, 위에 state 하신 두 이유는.. 그렇게 적절하지 않은것같네요..!
우선은 comfortable/convenient 로 간주하고 첨삭해볼게요~^^)
First of all, the Internet enables people to conduct extensive research easily and comfortably by providing a wealth of information. (결론에서 썼던 표현 아예 똑같이 쓰지는 마시구요~^^ 다른 단어나 문장 구조정도 바꿔서 써주세요^^) That is, they don't (they 가 누군가요?! 그리고 do not 입니다^^) have to drive to go to the library wasting time and money, comb through endless books, and depend on continuously ask for librarians' help. For example, when I was a freshman in college, I had to write a report on jazz history. Since I was not familiar with that kind of such genre, I did not know which books I should (needed to) use as reference. Fortunately, I could contact wtih (contact with internet? get an access to internet 이겠죠~!!) the Inthernet by chance and see find a vast amount of information on views on the subject of Jazz. Through these information, I could write my report easily and received a higher mark on my grade. (이것보다는... quick 과 easy 를 중심으로 써주는게 좋을것같아요^^ 다른 어떤 source 를 썼으면 얼마나 걸렸을것을 인터넷으로 얼마나 걸려서 해결할수 있었다. 이런식으로?^^) If it had not been for the Internet, it would have taken me a whole week of time to finish the do research.
Moreover, the Internet is absoultely benefitial for people who have difficulty taking on campus classes. This is because wtihout needing to drive to campus and waste money and time for taking classes, they students can take online courses in the comfort of their home at one's own pace. (anywhere, 인터넷 access 가 있는 anywhere!!) According to the recent study conducted by the ministry of education of Korea, not only a number of the students, but also even workers are taking take online courses these days. The reasons why they are taking take online courses are said that they live too far from university or have inflexible schedule. (No matter how any problems they have such as distance or time schedule, the Internet is emerging as a solution.)
In conclusion, I definetly believe that the Internet is indispensable in our life. to live in this modern society. (이것보다는.. 그냥 간단하게 인터넷이 convenience 를 주고, valuable information에 더 많이 reach 하게 해준다.. 라고 쓰는게 좋을것같아요^^! 주제에 대한 "직접적인" 자기 주장을 첫 문장에 써주세요~!) As I have mentioned above, the internet provides highly available useful/valuable information as well as a unique way to save time and money. (인터넷이 시간과 돈을 save 할수 있는 way 를 주는건 아닌것같아요..^^ using internet 함으로써 시간과 돈을 절약할수 있다고 써주시는게 좋습니다~! 그럼 valuable info. 와 time, money 를 save 하기 때문에, 두개를 묶어서 쓰면 좋을것같아요. using internet, ~ )(Needless to say, the Internet will determine the quality of our lives in the future.)
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