Do you think taking job during a teenage life is good idea?
In our society, currently, it may be very easy to find some posters sticking thickly on walls and the electric poles all over the streets. Most of them are about looking for part-time job worker in supermarket or gas station.(이렇게 되면 거의 모든 포스터들이 파트타임잡이라는건데..
사실인가요? 다른 포스터들도 많지 않나요.. 그냥 There are lots of posters looking for part time jobs.. 이렇게 하는게 어떨지..)Due to that environment, students are able to contact them(employers) easily and are hired some of them, especially teenagers, get these jobs. However, as some employers like to deceive and dangers are lurking in their work place, many parents coerce their children not to get jobs have them. Although these are true (these aspects exist), I absolutely disagree with them(who..parents?-specify) for that we can use money for our rest, studying and structure good characters. ( have them, some of them...these.. 뭐 이런식으로 어슬렁 넘어가지마세요..) - 마지막에 정리해주세요.... 뭐 I think taking job during a teenage life is suvh a valuable
activity as students can use money..blablabla.. 이렇게..)
First of all, teenagers can use money for their rest. While the students are studying, it would be very tedious and exhausting as there are many repetitions and memorizations. For instance, in order to master the mathematics, students must solve thousands of same type of questions and memorize some formulas. When this occurs, they need to take a rest. Some people can argue that why the teenagers need money for their spare time and they still have some facilities such as a library or a park for enjoying. However, these activities contain limited benefits. If they have enough money, it is able to obtain more advantages. Through watching movies or going to an amusement park with their friends, they can reinforce their friendship. Furthermore if they travel, they can learn new things and undergo what they have not experienced in their life. However how can teenagers have sufficient money for their rest? They can have a job at night or during holidays and if they earn, they can do what they really want to do. ( 정리안되고
늘려져있는 느낌이요.. 간단히 요점만 할말 다하면서 매끄럽게 쓰는게 좋을듯)
Moreover, not only for their rest, they can spend what they earn on their process of studying. (part time jobs allow students not only to take a rest but also to invest into their education..)Today, because of the economic crisis, many students from the low class cannot be supported financially from their parents. Even though there is a finance supporting program in every school, there are still some students who are struggle in living as well as in education..a situation is that they even do not have enough money to feed their teachers. So only way to study is plunging into the jobs, earning money and spending it for their schools, tuitions and books. One of my friends, for example, is very poor and he does not have parents. He really liked studying especially the math but there was no money for him.(but he was not able to continue his studies) So he worked in a supermarket and gas station. Now he is one of the best students in his school and always awards prizes from math competitions.
Finally, through getting jobs and earning money, it helps teenagers to build up good characters. These days many teenagers like to open their hands toward their parents and they give them money freely at every situation. A problem is that they would misunderstand that money is always in their parents’ pocket so extravagance can be occurred. However when teenagers work in the gas station or the supermarket with sweating profusely, it is able to learn a difficulty of earning money and preciousness of money. So they would not squander it but think once again before buying something. Furthermore, teenagers can know how to stand on their own feet.
In conclusion, of course, to focus on their job can be a solemn toxic for them as their primary job is studying. If they work for money but not for their future, they will confront failure. However setting studying as the first matter and job as the second, they would catch two birds, money and success, by one stone. In my opinion, therefore, taking job during teenage life is a good idea.
헥헥 길군요...ㅠㅠ
문장이 길기만할뿐 모랄까..우왕자왕한느낌? 간단히 매끄럽게 이으면서 쓰시면 좋겟어요.
길다고 좋은건 아닙니다. 아마 기니까.. 중간중간에 계속 이리갔다 저리갔다 하는 느낌이랄까요.
아무리 길어도 중간중간 토픽을 다시 되짚어준다거나 한다면 읽는사람입장에서도
머리아프지않을텐데.. 그런게 없어서 다시 토픽이 무엇이엇나..봐야 되니까요.
문장들을 짧고 굵게!! 그렇다고 에세이를 짧게 쓰라던지 문장들을 아주 쉽게 너무 짧게
쓰라는 말은 아니랍니다.....^^