Topic : People today spend too much time in paying attention to personal lives of celebrities or famous people.
People today is are inclined to focus on lives of celebrities or TV talents. From this interest, they(people) get some information about a way of wearing clothes, taking a picture and making themsevles more beautiful. >> people can get some information about clothes, make up or any other good products from celebrities to satisfy their wants to be more beautiful.
But, I disagree to spend their time in (paying too much attention )interesting to lives of famous people who look like very wonderful and luxurious. There are two reasons; only to envy their lives and to make social problem.( <
Those who focus on lives of famous people (for their great life)> (to imitate the luxurious life) buy(purchasing) many accessories,clothes,shoes and even expensive car or house. In the case that a person (people) who admire the lives of celebrities is are so rich, they can buy almost ices(몰라서 묻는건데 ice가 여기서 어떤의미로 쓰이는지...) for their more wonderful (extravagant) lives but common people can't follow at all. All they can do from looking up the lives of celebrities is just to envy and admire famous people's luxurious life. Common people might feel a sense of shame by famous people's lives which is are so different from themselves(their ordinary lives) and It can make people diseased be a disease for them not only physically but also mentally.
Secondly, this situation(explains what situation) also can make some social problems.
For example, I saw a surprise news in on the Internet; A woman who is already over 40 years old admired and envied the lives of TV talents and even celebrities' face,/끊어주고요; so She bought all things those products that famous people have and she had palstic surgery for her same face with celebrities who was fascinated by this woman.to look like a celebrity whom the woman liked. But that was not totally a big deal. The worst part was that she was addicted to plastic surgery and its addiction makes her look horrible. Her face was not normal anymore. She shamed of herself and reproach her life then she was killed by herself.(committed suicide) It was a big social issue in Korea.
In conclusion, one of the reasons to occur(raise) this serious problem and make a disease is that common people pay attention to the lives of famous people too much. I think people have to focus on their own precious life , (not imitating fantastic lives of celebrites) fantasnot to have a interest on celebrities' luxurious lives. Then we can make our lives more effective and awesome than a person's lives which is focused by common people. >> Satisfying with our own lives instead of imitating luxurious lives of celebrities can help us to live more happily and comfortably.
항상 문장을 쓸때 한문장안에서 처음에 they 를 썼으면 뒤에도 they.. 섞지 마시구요
앞에lives를 썼으면.. 그다음에 그거에 compare되는 명사가 themselves가 아니라 their lives..
이런식으로 써야겠죠.
복수...they 면 are로 쓰시는거. 실수하시지 마시구요.
그리고 필요할땐 설명할꺼, 다시 단어를 쓸꺼 생략하시지 마시구요.
두번째 문단으로 갔을때 this situation~이렇게 시작하면 무슨 시츄에이션인지 까먹엇을때
다시 첫번째 문단으로 가서 읽어야 하잔아요..
되도록이면 채점자가 잘 따라서 읽을 수 있게끔..
쓸때 읽는 사람도 생각하면서 쓰시면 훨씬 좋은 에세이가 될듯 싶네요.
되도록이면 thing, stuff 보단 멋진 다른 단어들을 쓰시는게 에세에 레벨 업에도 도움이 되겠구요.
충분히 잔인한 평가였는지 모르겠습니다..^^