▶ Your Answer :
People's intellectual, social and personal development is highly influenced by their relationships. With this understanding, I believe that competition helpful their relationships for two reasons. This is because competiton among firends enables peopele to reilieve stress and strengthen relationships with friends is helpful to their relationship for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 이유가 서술할 것이기 때문에 인트로를 굳이 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다).
First, Understanding understanding (대문자는 문장 시작할 때만 서술하시길 바랍니다), the daily environment of students and the potential role of competition among friends is necessary to substantiate this view. (따라서 본인의 이유가 무엇인가요? 이유가 언급되어있지 않습니다) Every morning, students have to patiently sit through traffic to get to school. Once, they are at school they have to endure countless textbooks and continue to read more even at home. Such exhausting routine itself and enevtually wears down students repeats itself decreasing the happiness. Thus, students should stimulate themselves through diverse activity and competition. When I win at completion such a soccer, game or basketball, I can get less stress and learn teamwork to firends. "teamwork is relationships." That is usually my rule of thumb. Hence, competiton is influenced by positive relationship.
Second, competition among with friends enables to strengthen relationships with friends. In response to the increasing role of competition, many expert opinions and research statistics reinforce the idea that competition with friends enables friend to strengthen relationships with friends. As for me, When when I participation in a band music competition provided meaningful opportunities with friend relationships. I can learn through completion about relationships. Therefore, competition is helpful for me. Essentially, competition promotes activities that encourage people to openly interact with one another. to encourage people to interact with other people. Such intercommunication builds a platform not only to express one's own dispositions but also to absorb the perspective of other.
Consequently, the important of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
점수: 22 일단 철자적 오류들이 많습니다. 이러한 철자적 오류들을 피하기 위해선느 독립형 에세이를 다 서술하고 난 후에 꼭 정검을 하시길 바랍니다. 정검을 하다 보면 본레 자기가 어디서 문제를 가지고 있는 것인지를 알 수 있기 때문에 곡 하시길 바랍니다. 또한 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 표현들은 에세이 플로우를 방해하기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |