▶ Your Answer : Some people say that the ability to cooperate with others is more important today than in the past in comparison to the past. However, in my opinion, the capability to work together is no more crucial factor these days. This is because a diversity of machines have been developed to work instead people do work together, and the ability to control the machines is more important today. for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 이유들을 설명할 것이기 때문에 인트로를 굳이 장황하게 서술하 필요가 없습니다)
To begin with, the main industry of society has been changed. In the past, the principal industries are the primary manufacturing such as farming, fishing, mining. This kind of industries needs the cooperation of many people. And there was no advanced mechanical devices to make it easy to produce. However, after nineteenth century, the applying of the assembly line made a big change of the industry. What people had to do together was no more duty to people. Machines have been doing it automatically. For instance, people had to cooperate to make a toy. Some people stitched it, others put cushion into it, and the other attached its eyes with glue. On the contrary, there are no people to do those kinds of work in the factories In contrast, in nowadays, such division is not needed. Just a few people stand along the assembly line, and just check it that is going on properly to work properly.
On top of that, the importance of factor in industries switched from agriculture to other things like advanced manufacturing, automated network machine, and so on advanced technology industries. So, the success of the industry does not more depends on how people cooperate with others does not depend on how to cooperate with other people (does 뒤에서는 동사 원형이 나와야 합니다). It is up to the ability to control and manipulate computers or machines. People who are good at handling machines are more competent these days. For example, let you imagine that there are two groups there are two groups (let you같은 표현은 구어체 이기 때문에 적절하지가 않습니다). The first group is consist consists of a hundred people with the primary tool, and the other group five people with a highly advanced machine. If you have to give them a mission to build something, which group you prefer? So cooperation is not the important factor today. As people with highly advanced tool is more preferable, cooperation has become less important nowadays
In a nutshell, the ability to cooperate with others was important in the past, but it is no more today. The society is changed has changed, so machines do the duty that requires cooperation. Furthermore, the ability to control machines is more crucial. In this regard, I firmly disagree with the statement that the ability of cooperation is important today than in the past.
점수: 22 항상 주의를 하셔야 할 부분은 독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다. You를 서술하다 보면 에세이 자체가 구어체로 됩니다. 독립형 에세이에서는 구어체 에세이를 선호하는 것이 아니라 문어체를 원합니다. 또한 전체적으로 설명에 있어서 개연성이 부족해 보입니다. 솔직히 말하면 현재에서도 협동이 필요해 보입니다 주장에서 나타난 설명은 뭔가 일 퍼센트 부족하다 봅니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |