▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly, preparing for an adult life plays a significant role in people`s daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think that one of the best ways that parents support their teenage children to prepare for an adult life is to encourage them to take a part-time job part time job is the best way for parents to make children prepare for the future, while others do not think differently. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that encouraging teenage children to take a part-time job is one of the best way that parents support their teenage children to prepare for an adult life. There are several reasons as follows for the following two subsequent reasons. To begin with, taking a part-time job allows teenage children to improve qualities needed for success. Taking part-time job requires them to be diligent, passionate, and self-disciplined. When these personal traits are developed, they are likely to bring a better result in performance could bring about better performance. For example, my youngest brother did poorly in middle school. He got distracted easily, procrastinated, and acted on impulse. However, he has changed little by little gradually after he started working at a school cafeteria after school. He realized that his active participation could help him work with other easily, while his laziness could negatively affect everyone. He started to maintain a good behavior by raising his grades. He shows characteristics of a longer attention span, a stronger passion in his works, and encouraged others to be responsible. If he had not taken part-time job, he would have fallen behind. In addition, when teenage children take a part-time job, they can learn how to mingle well with people from different background children can learn how to interact with other people. It exposes them to different life styles, cultures, and customs. Such exposure is likely to help them to acknowledge that different values exist, to understand this diversity, and to ultimately be comfortable with it helps to acknowledge the cultural difference. For instance, when I was in middle school, I saw one of my classmates from Ethiopia eating his meal with bare hands. I felt very uncomfortable because it was my first time seeing someone like that. However, after taking a part-time job at a fast-food restaurant with my African co-workers, I got used to this cultural difference. I realized that we just had different eating styles. We had a lot in common in a way that we cared about our families and friends, were committed to relationships, and were hurt easily about what others say. I no longer feel awkward and make friends with them. All things considered, I strongly believe that it is the best way for teenage students to take part-time jobs for preparing to prepare for an adult life for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of taking a part-job cannot be overestimated in life.
점수: 26 일단 약간의 어색한 표현들이 있습니다. 이러한 어색한 표현들은 에세이 플로우로 하여금 방해를 줍니다. 에세이 플로우가 방해를 받다 보면 본레 자기가 전달하려고 했던 의미들이 변질되게 됩니다. 의미가 변질되다 보면 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 파악하기가 어렵기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 부분을 재외하고는 전체적으로 자신의 주장을 잘 전달하는 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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