▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly, moving to different countries or places plays a significant role in people`s daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think that it is not good to move to different countries or places because of losing old friends, while others do not think differently. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that it is good to move to different countries or places. There is a reason as follows for the following subsequent reasons. Above all, Although people move to different countries or places, they do not lost old friends because of the development of the Internet technology To begin with, with the development of technology, people do not lose friends when moving to other places. The Internet is equipped with many functions that help people contact with other people regardless of time and distance. When these function are well used, it is likely to keep in touch with old friends makes people keep in touch with old friends. For example, my youngest brother lived in the United States for a long time but, he moved to Japan because of his business. He concerned that he lost his old friends in losing his old friends. However, he communicated with them by using his smartphone and the computer. To be specific, he was able to communicated could communicate with them by using smartphone without having to meet in person meeting people in person. In addition, he played on-line game with his friends by using the computer. Thanks to using these technologies, the relationships between my youngest brother and his friends have not changed did not change. All things considered, I strongly believe that the advantages of moving to other countries or places far outweigh disadvantages of one for the reason I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of moving to other countries or places cannot be overestimated in life.
점수: 22 한 단락에 대하여서 너무나 많은 정로를 가지고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 이렇게 한 단락에 너무나 많은 정보를 넣다 보면 전체적으로 에세이 자체가 장황하게 됩니다. 에세이가 장황하게 되다 보면 본레 자기가 전달하려고 했던 의미들이 변질되고 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 파악하기가 어렵기 때문에 좀 더 간결하고 명확하게 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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