▶ Your Answer :
Upon
the development of growing children, sports play important role in shaping each
different characteristic. With regard to sports, the focus is distinctive
depending on people’s individual perspective. Some people manifest that sports
should be observed as fun while others pursue opposite directions. In my
opinion, sports should be seen as competition for the following subsequent
reasons.
To begin with, competition teaches
people to bring the best outcome. When people are put in certain situation that
magnifies competition, as their tension increases, people tend to focus more to
win the game. As the time goes, the competition itself brings about better
result leading to the most successful outcome one has ever seen. For instance,
the winning mentality of Leister City during 2015~2016 season best elaborates
this argument. Although, recently relegated, as the manager boost boosts (manager는 단수 주어 입니다) the
psychology and mental of each player within the team, the team itself
collaborated to win the Premier league. Without considering the competition, it
might be hard for this team to win the title. This example clearly manifests
that when sport is considered as competition the best outcome can be
accomplished.
Furthermore, competitive mindset
brings about domino effect on other academic area. Domino effect means the
consecutive effect that is engendered by one trigger. When people play sport as
competition, as seen in Leister City example, they accomplish certain criteria
that they thought they could not achieve cannot be achieved. If this area is accomplished, people
establish the point of view that they can overcome the obstacles in other
academic area. For instance, according to the recent research on the
correlation with sports as competition and the result of other area, people who
were once sports player tend to succeed in other part of academic subject. As
they know how to tackle certain problems learned from sports competition, they
can overcome the struggle from studying. As they overcome the difficulties,
they can become the successful person in the end.
To conclude, it is plausible to
argue that sports should be played fun as recent social trend is so
competitive, people should not feel stress from sports. However, as sports
competition brings about the better outcome and succeeds in other academic
area, it is better for people to regard sport as competition. The competition
itself engenders the winning mentality that people can tackle the difficult
problems approaching them. If one wants to succeed, he or she should think
sports as competition.
점수: 27 전체적으로 단어 선택 부분에 있어서는 아주 전문적으로 잘 서술한 에세이입니다. 단어들이 각 상황에 따라서 아주 적합하게 잘 서술된 거 같습니다. 하지만 지금 이 에세이에서 아쉬운 부분은 전반적으로 에세이 자체가 장황하다는 것 입니다. 에세이가 장황하다 보면 본레 자기가 전달하려고 했던 의미들이 변질되게 됩니다. 다라서 좀 더 간결하게 본인의 주장을 전달하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |