▶ Your Answer :
Different
mediums determine what a person’s characteristic is. Among them, most
importantly how clean a room is important in judging the success of individual.
Some people assert, messy formation of rooms brings about more successful life
regarding with the effort one puts in. However, I personally believe, if one
wants to achieve what they desire or success, it is better to clean a room for
the following subsequent reasons.
To begin with, a person who cleans
a room tends to be more meticulous in elaborating important aspects that are
needed to succeed. Since the development of technology, our world has become
more globalized and highly competitive. In order to survive from such
circumstances, meticulous is needed to have a successful life. If someone is
meticulous, which means one can accomplish certain tasks thoroughly and
accurately one can accomplish tasks thoroughly and accurately. Without this characteristic, it is hard to cope with nowadays
social trend. For instance, it has been proven that many renowned people in our
society cleaned their room to become successful. In particular, Steve Jobs,
certainly made his room as clean as possible since he believed such behavior
enlarges the meticulousness. With the characteristic of meticulousness, one can
become successful.
Furthermore, the hygienic
environment enhances the concentration to study. In studying, concentration is
important to bring about the remarkable result. If one’s room is messy, there
is a higher possibility that such room disturbs people from doing something.
However, given that the room is tidy, not only people can concentrate better
but also improve academic achievement. To elaborate, there is a research
conducted from Korea University regarding with the correlation between clean
room and productivity. The result was intriguing in which a person with clean
room performed better in studying itself. This research certainly manifests,
the concept of hygienic environment provides a medium that can lead to
successful life.
To conclude, it is plausible to
state that success medium does not relate with how clean a room is. However,
with the concept of meticulous and concentration, it is better to keep room
clean to accomplish successful personality. Thus if one desires to achieve a
success, one should clean his or her room.
점수: 24 이 에세이는 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 존재하는 에세이입니다. 첫 번째는 일단 전체적으로 너무 장황합니다. 에세이 자체가 장황하다 보니 본레 자기가 전달하려고 했던 의미들이 변질되는 거 같습니다. 두 번째는 첫 번째 단락 예시가 주제를 벗어났습니다. 예시를 선정 할 때 항상 이유를 중점에 두고 예시를 선정하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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