▶ Your Answer :
In
people’s personal life, the amount of possession one has is important in
judging how rich or poor a person is. Some people believe, it is better to have
a fewer possession in order to have a happier life. However, I personally
disagree with above argument following two reasons
To begin with, money has the most
influential power in our society. Without money, it is hard to overcome a
plethora of struggles within the society. As nowadays, society has become more
competitive, amount of possession measures how happy one is. For example, in
recent study conducted by Seoul National University, the research was focused
on dealing with how happy one is concerning with amount of possession with 500
people as respondent. Two groups was were (groups는 복수 주어 입니다) measured, one group having a lot of
possession and other group has fewer possession. having fewer possessions The result was intriguing in
which group who possesses (group은 단수 주어 입니다) a plethora of money was happier than that of other
groups. This example clearly shows that larger the possession one has happier
one is.
Furthermore, happiness is not
judged by only one measure but rather by different kinds depending on the
perspectives of individual. Judging from possession to deal with people’s
happiness is limited, there other variables that each individual must consider.
The other variables can be higher education or accomplishment of hard work. For
example, although I do not have a lot of money right now I am a happy person as
I achieved my life long dream, becoming a politician in Korean government. With
my dream comes true, I became the happiest person in Korean society. Therefore,
we cannot judge happiness only from amount of possession.
To sum up, it is undeniable to
state that, one’s happiness is only judged by how much one has. Since money is
the most important factor in one’s life and there are other variables that
determine happiness, the larger one has the happier one is.
점수: 27 일단 지금 이 에세이는 단수 복수에 따른 동사 형태에 대해서 문제가 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 이러한 부분들은 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 부분을 재외하면 전체적으로 자기의 주장이 잘 나타나는 독립형 에세이입니다. 각 단락의 구체적 설명을 통하여서 왜 많은 돈을 가지면 가질 수록 사람들이 더 행복한지를 잘 보여줍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |