▶ Your Answer :
Some might prefer to watching watch movies which have colorful scenes and attracting musics at pastime as pastime . However I strongly believe there are strong advantages as reading book in free time rather than watching movies. And my view can be greatly substantiated by the reasons address below. First, comparing efficiency aspect of cost, readers may obtain great benefit. Second, reading long sentence helps to develop our brain. for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 이유들을 다 설명을 할 것이기 때문에 굳이 인트로를 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
First and foremost, reading book leads much more cost-efficiency to cost efficiency (이유에 대한 구체적 설명을 하고 난 후에 예시로 넘어가시길 바랍니다). For instance, to watching movie you need to pay transport , tickets, snack necessarily. when watching movie, person needs to pay tickets to see movies (독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다) Furthermore, it is not ordinary event that watching movie alone, you must need to pay additional money for nice meal or beverages out with your friends, family or someone else for good relationship while watching movie, one has to get along with family or friends spending a lot of money on beverages. Meanwhile, reading book is much cheaper hobby, as enjoying alone is acceptable and requires only public library ID card that free for everyone.
Secondly, reading book frequently makes our brain enrichment. Book is unfailing fund of intelligence and knowledge since human developed words. According to the brain researcher professor Lee, he account accounts (he는 단수 주어 입니다) for relationship of reading long line and brain development, which illustrates understanding long lines leading increments of variety ability in brain. These unique improvements can not expected from watching movies that usually constructed with shorts lines be expected from watching movies.
To sum up, my contention is that reading book is more useful hobby that compare with watching movies. This is because watching Watching (this is because는 적절하지 않는 표현 입니다) movies asks not only spending money at one's ticket fee but also extra costs for traffic, snack even money for social interaction, and prevent probability of developing brain functions. As we can see, I highly recommend to go to library in pastime rather than theater.
점수: 22 전체적으로 이유에 대한 설명이 많이 부족한 독립형 에세이입니다. 이유에 대한 설명이 부족하다 보니 전반적으로 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 파악하기가 어렵습니다. 또한 어색한 표현들이 너무 많으니 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 마지막으로는 인트로와 결론이 너무 깁니다 좀 간추리시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |