Question
Do you agree of disagree with the following statement? Young people enjoy life more than older people. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
My Essay
Generally speaking, as people age, they get to have earn money, wisdom on life, and intricate relationships. (콤마로 나열 하고 끝에는 , and 있어야 합니다.) Sometimes, younger people envy what the olders have. However, the things the olders possess can not (띄어쓰기 없습니다) guarantee more enjoyable life than the young. I firmly believe that young people enjoy liofe more than older people the olders, because (teens and twenties) they have numerous more chance to enjoy their lives and fewer responsibilities than the olders. older people.
(more chance 보다는 시간이 더 많다고 하는게 좋을것 같네요..^^ 스펠링에러 주의하시구요~!)
Most of all, youth is are given with more opportunities to enjoy life than the olders. elders. The things that young people got such as a lot of time, physical healthm and creative ideas (creative ideas?) enabel them to get diverse experiences to reach enjoyable life. For instance, I am 25 years old. I went through lots of trials and error on the course of college entrance, earning expensesm build up many relationships. (무슨 relationship? 잘 모르겠어요...) Of course, I had a hard time when I am failed to got what I wanted. However, (however 뒤에 콤마 꼭 필요한것 잊지 마세요^^) all the experiences which I confront (confronted. had a hard time 이니까.) gave me an optimistic outlook to life view of life, and an in-depth understanding about how to enjoy challenges I face. take. Consequently, I reaped fulfilling life that presents me an extreme happiness. (I am so satisfied with my growth and expect that my life will be better than now.) For the young, chances they face are big fortune from God.
(main idea 를 clear 하게 써주세요. more opportunities 는 좋은데, 모두 하나로 묶어서 논하려고 하다보면, 중간중간 vague 해지는 경우가 있습니다. 그러니, 시간이면 시간, '특정한 기회' 를 specify 해서 써주세요.^^
단어 스펠링 실수나 문법 오류 주의하시구요~^^ 또, an/a, the 같은 관사도 까먹지 말고, 주의해서 써주세요!)
Next, young people have fewer responsibilites than older people. The young can be forgiven when they commit a terrible fault, get into trouble, but the elders olders can not be, done (because they already have had unchangeable reputation.) (어른의 잘못은 unacceptable 한 경우가 많다. 고 적는게 좋을것 같습니다!) Also, obligations such as earning money and caring for children restrict keep people away from enjoying their lives. From my father's case, He For example, my father is always pressed (pressed 가 아니라 pressured 겠죠?^^) for time to make money for my tuition fees and my family's expenses. other family member's expenses. He wors all day long and has few time assigned to enjoy personal leisure. Conversely, I have no responsibility excepot for personal matters. This is why I am able to challenge what I want and feel less fear when things I did get worse.
(첫 부분에 '실수나 trouble 을 만들면 안된다는 responsibility 가 있다.' 는 점에 계속 포커스를 맞춰주셨으면 좋겠어요.
works all day long 하는것이 - 실수를 하면 안된다는 것과 어떻게 연관이 있는지, 만약 꼭 돈을 벌어야 하고, 꼭 좋은 본보기가 되어야 한다는 expectation이 크다는것을 main idea 로 놓으실거면, 앞에서 trouble 대신 이렇게 state 해주는게 좋을것 같네요. 문법 실수, 스펠링 오류는 꼭 한번씩 더 봐주세요^^)
For these reasons, it is evident thatn the young people can live more enjoyable and fun manner life, rather than older people. (the older ones 라고 적어줘도 괜찮습니다^^. 계속 people 안써도 괜찮습니다!) Most young people squander their youth in a rush to be older, not realizing the advantages that youth confers. However, they need to cherish their youth while they can, since this is the only time that the young will have this invaluable opportunity for happiness.
(most young people~ 문장을 쓰기 전에, 자기 주장에 대한 이유 2개를 확실히 쓰는것이 좋을것같네요^^
뒤에 문장들은 부연설명이나, 추가적인 문장일 뿐이니, 없어도 괜찮지만 에세이 포맷에 정확히 맞도록 이유1,2를 모두 정확하게 써주세요~^^)
손으로 직접 쓴 내용을 급하게 인터넷에 옮기느라 오탈자가 있을 수 있습니다. paraphrasing, 다양한 표현의 구사가 너무나 어렵군요. 글의 구조 짜는것도 만만치 않고. 무엇보다 주어진 시간 안에 써야한다는 사실이 매우 힘이듭니다.
그래도 뭐, 어제보다 나은 오늘을 반복하다보면 좋아지겠지요.
덧) 이전에 첨삭해주신 daily님 정말 감사드립니다. 새해 복 많이 받으세요^^