For quite as long as I can remember, people have debated whether young people enjoy life more than older people or not. The jury is still out, I strongly agree with the statement. (strongly believe the former 인지 the latter 인지로 적는게 좋습니다^^. the statement 하면 "whether" 이 되기 때문에^^) The rationale behind this is that nowadays, people find that it is easy to enjoy their lives more funny activities with technique (technique 는 기술입니다. 테크닉. 이 경우에는 technological) development rather than before. the past. Moreover, by developing economy, we experience many different kinds of culture more easily.
(뒤에 moreover~ 부터는.. 큰 role 을 play 하는 문장이 아니네요.^^ different culture 를 experience 하는것과 young people 이 enjoy their life 하는것과 무슨 상관이 있죠..?^^ 젊은 사람들이 자신의 인생을 더 즐길줄 안다. 는 글쓴이의 주장에 "technological dev." 을 이유로 들었는데, 그 다음 이유는 무엇인지..!! vague 하게 쓰지 마시고, 최대한 specific 하게 써주세요~! 스펠링 실수 주의하시구요.)
First, no one can deny that we (people today) are exposured exposed to a lot of funny activities more than (those in the past) the past. Even though Although older people can enjoy many were still able to enjoy many activities in the past, it is more justfiable to contend that with technological development, develoved many technique, we (young people) can experience really interesting activities such as computer games, going disneyland and even traveling abroad. The underlying cause of this is identified to be the fact that mankind always have forage (foraged 인데, 이 경우에는 strived 가 나은것 같네요^^) for convineint lifestyle since they have overcome many difficulty such a wars and suffered from hungry. hunger. This contributes to the following phenomena: people have started the substantial number of entertainment, (start entertainment? 다시 rephrase 해주세요~^^ 엔터테인먼트를 시작하다 는 말이 안되죠..!) so we can enjoy life more than the older people. elder. Therefore, this clearly indicates how crucial it is that with technique development we can enjoy diverse activities. Otherwise, elder never did not such activities. Therefore, it is evident that the youngs enjoy their life more than ~.
(뒤에 conclusion을 주제에 맞게 써주셔야죠~~!!^^
그리고, 문장에.. 불필요한 표현이 너무 많은것 같아요.
예를들어.. "this is because~ " 라고 할수있는 표현을 "The reason why is because of the fact that~" 이런식으로 엄청 늘려서 쓰시는것 같아요^^. 이렇게 되면, main 표현들도 모두 run-on 문장으로 간주될수 있고, 중간중간에 main point 의 이해를 방해할수도 있으니, 주의해주세요~^^
그리고, 문법 실수나 스펠링 오류 조심하시구요!
예제는 에세이 본론에서 없어서는 안될 부분 입니다.. tech. dev. 가 어떤식으로 우리의 life 를 enjoy 하게 하는지..? 예제를 쓸때에는 자기 경험이나 타인의 경험 같이 직접적인 사례가 가장 convincing 하기 때문에, 그냥 study 가 shown ~ .. 이라고 쓰기 보다는 직접 state 해주세요~^^)
Additionally, we can learn about many kinds of different cultures more easily through traveling aboad. (주제는 learn other cultures or not 이 아니라, ""어떻게"" young people 이 enjoy more 하냐는 문제입니다. 본론 첫 문장은 자기 주장의 main idea 이니까, 주제와 관련있게, young people과 enjoy 를 mention 해주셔야합니다^^) Of course, it was possible to go abroad in the past, but it was involved only rich people. (Although it was possible for people to travel around in the past, but only affluent people could afford~. rich people 보다는.. 좀더 ""풍족한"" affluent 를 쓰는것이 더 좋습니다!) This would translate into layperson cannot go abroad, because of economic problem. However, today, people visit overseas/abroad as the learing place for education purpose, and mere satisfaction/interest. or enjoy their life. For illustration, according to a research recently conducted by the National Research Foundation of Korea, more than 65 percent of college students experience go went abroad for learing many to learn about other cultures. However, old people do not usually get this opportunity (OR not many of old people have experienced this.) did not enjoy this experience. This is because, at the past time, in the past, it is was hard to take airplane. (afford the fee 라고 하는것도 좋을것같네요^^) (This results in the following: nowadays people can trip everywhere whenever they want if they have plan.) (같은 의미를 가진 문장의 반복은 피해주세요~^^) Consequently, this is clear indication for why we can experience culture more easily through the traveling abroad.
(이 문단 또한, 마지막 부분이.. 조금 오프토픽이죠?^^ travelling abroad 하는것이 experience 를 주는가? 가 아니라, ""main idea 때문에"" 젊은 사람들이 older 보다 enjoy their life 한다. 라고 써주셔야죠~!
그리고, 예제 또한, 좀 더 specific 해야하고, 부연설명도 필요합니다.
65%의 학생들이 go abroad하는 chance 를 얻는다.. 는 것이 어떻게 old와 young 중에 누가 더 life 를 즐기는지에 대한 설명이 될까요?^^
방학기간을 예로 드는것도 좋을것같네요^^
과거에는 방학이고 뭐고, go abroad 하는 생각도 못했고, 친구들과 만나 노는것이 다 였는데, 요즘은 visit 하고 싶은곳 마음대로 할수 있으니 시간을 더 유용하게 사용할수 있어서 more enjoyable 하다? 이런식으로 써도 괜찮을것 같아요^^.
본론에서, 어떤 주장, 설명을 하던 모두 자세하고 간단하게 keep 해야되는것 꼭 기억해주세요~^^
아까 지적드렸던 것처럼 불필요한 표현 모두 지워주시구요.)
In conclusion, I wholeheartedly believe that young people enjoy life more than older people with cozier lifestyle. The reasons are not only that young can get more funny activities with technique development but also traveling abroad is more easier for studying diverse culture. Therefore, these are the two most convincing reasons for my contention. |