A lot of controversy exists over whether physical education should be required everyday or not. Some people think that physical education is not much necessary because schools’ primary role is to convey academic knowledge into students for their future success. However, after some reflections, we would become to(삭제: 한국식 표현) know students’ physical health is more important than (-> important as much as: 학생에게 공부보다 중요한게 건강이라 말하는건 부모님들이나 하는말, 결국 뒷 문장에 체력이 안되면 공부못한다 주장이 나오듯이 공부를 위해 체력을 기르는 것! 따라서 신체적 건강이 공부보다 중요하다는 말은 어불성설) their academic performance because it is difficult for students to study hard without physical fitness.Not only that, daily physical activities also can help students build strong characters and social skills. (강한성격?? good personality and sociality)
First of all, the academic performance level depends highly on students’ health conditions. In other words, although students have academic potentials and aptitudes, they might have many difficulties in promoting their potentials without physical health which supports their learning process. One significant reason is that one’s physical condition(s) have has a great influence on their his or her brain activity, especially involved in attention span. According to a the study conducted by KPA, Korea Psychology Association in 2008, students with daily exercises were three times more likely to show attention span in their studying than others who do not spend regular time on exercising. The reason is that habitual physical activities, especially aerobic sports, facilitate chemical secretions, such as acetylcholine and dopamine which stimulate their brain activities. What this result indicate is clear. Successful academic performances are closely connected to one’s bodily health and, therefore, schools put a premium on daily physical educations to keep students’ physical fitness.
In addition, physical education helps students develop their social skills and build strong characters. Most physical education involves group activities that require a sense of cooperation, such as soccer, baseball, and American football. Participating in these activities, students naturally become to know how to work in a team and how to collaborate for fulfilling their common goal. These experiences, as a result, enhance students’ interpersonal skills and give valuable wisdoms for living in a human society. For example, one of the famous professional politicians in Korea, Park min, often states in his speech that his experiences as a member of university soccer club have influenced his overall political life, especially when it comes to nurturing his social relationships. As the example shows, students can obtain a huge amount of benefits from physical education in terms of interpersonal skills.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that physical education should be required everyday. This is because they are helpful for students’ physical fitness required for successful academic performance as well as they enable students to facilitate their social skills. In this sense, the old saying, “A sound mind lives in a sound body” gives us a good insight about importance of physical education.
하다가 고칠 부분도 많고 문장자체도 대부분의 한국분들이 쓰시듯 한국스런 표현이 간혹 보이기도 하고 첨삭 끝까지 해드리고 싶지만 시간이 안되서 못해드려요. 뉘앙스에 관해 좀더 생각하셔야 할 듯 하고, 문장들을 보다 간결하게 쓰도록 노력하셔요. 그리고 단어 선택은 무난하나 문법적인 오류가 많이 보이므로 죄송하지만 21점 이상은 못받으세요. 문법오류 3개 미만으로 줄여야 23점 대를 넘길 수 있는 마지노선이라 들었습니다. 대부분 관사와 단.복수이니깐 유념해주시면 원하시는 점수 충분히 받으실겁니다.
화이팅!