> > 2009-09-06 19:28:32, '' 님이 쓰신 글입니다. ↓
■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer | |
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Topic : university athletic departments should receive the same amount of fuding as university libraries. |
빨간색: 잘못된걸 수정한것.
파란색: 이해가 안되거나 문맥상 이어지지 않는것 갈색: 이런식으로 추천한다 하는것
보라색: 그때그때 코멘트! |
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College athletic departments should fun the same amount of money as their libraries. Some people might be opposed to this argument. This is because college should focus on improving students' academic abilities so it would be better to fund libraries. However, university athletic departments are as important as university libraries due to building up concentration and (??? and다음에 오는게 없네용... 그리구 처음부터 thesis부터 시작하셨네요 토플에세이에서 제일 비추천하는 것입니당... 처음에 흥미유발로 독자들을 끌으셔야되는데 처음부터 이렇게 나오시면 사람들이 글을 읽을 마음이 안생기겟죠 ?)
To begin with, sport activities make students foster their concentration for studying. As you know, students who work out regularly tend to stay in a good shape. Therefore, not only is it less likely that sickness defers students from studying(it is not only likely that sickness defers students from studying[일단 문법은 수정해드렸지만 .. 이해가 안되네용 ...] ), but also are they able to stick to the desk longer. For example, the ministry of healthcare and welfare studies show that the relationship between span of concentration and exercise. Usually(,) a larger number of male students do outdoor sports such as basketball and baseball at least once a week, on the contrary(in contrast), female students tend to spend more time studying without any workout. Even though it appeared that female students get better grades at the first time, male students' grades were much better than female ones after 6months(six months[숫자보단 글자가 더 좋아염]). This is because, doing exercises help to strengthen students' concentration.
Also, students develop social skills. Sports are similar to our society.(글이 토막토막 짧게 쓰시면 ... 부자연스러워보여요) There are rules that people should follow, various people work on some specific goals as a team so that cooperation and collective effort are required. For instance, let's think about basketball. Five members of a basketball have a goal to win the game. Team members are playing basketball under the certain basketball rules. they should observe the rules, otherwise, they can get punished. Most importantly, while they are playing the game, they should trust their team members and each one have to try collective effort to cooperate with the others. Therefore, students learn social skills such as cooperation, trust, and collective effort as they do physical activities.
To sum up, university athletic departments are not a optional but mandatory. The significant reasons are to develop concentration for study and social skills. Therefore, university need to fund physical activities as much as university libraries. On the whole, there is a saying ' sound body in a sound mind'. As this saying tell us, you can not imagine good-at-studying without physical health. | |
와우 문법 에러도 거의 없고 내용도 좋네요
단, 문장들이 너무짧거나 너무 길어요.. 그래서 긴문장들은 이해하기 어지럽고, 짧은 문장들은 토막토막나서 부자연스럽습니다.