잘쓰셨는데요, 항상 문장을쓰면서 문장이 매끄러운지, 한국말을 그대로 영어로 바꾸려하지말고, 최대한
여어로 자연스럽게 문장이 나오는지 체크하면서 연습하시는 것도 괜찮을 것 같애요.
Our parents simply tend to be sensitive when it(it 이 뭔지) comes to their children. Some people might disagree with advertisements for(targeted on) infants given that children can be easily attracted and manipulated by advertisements such as toys or game machines. However, without(except?를 말하시려하신건지) a few advertisements, not only parents but also children benefit greatly from advertisements as advertisements provides various means of more effective information. Parents become able to save money and time. Moreover, children can also benefit from parents' improvinged knowledge.
Advertisements for targeted on infants make it possible for parents to save a money because companies making products for children will confront dense competition with other companies(여기서 other companies라고쓰면 얘들을 위한 상품을 만드는 회사가아니라 그냥 다른회사(다른 industry) 로 읽힐수있으니까요).(간단히쓰도록; like =~because Industry targeting on children has highly competitive environment.) Bigger(keen) competition makes reasonable price which is good for consumers. More importantly, parents no longer need to spend a vast of time hesitating and purchasing. Due to description in detail, they(parents) have now plenty of time to compare with other options and then buy products. For example, one of my friends recently became a mother and she said that she extensively feellt comfortable because of online advertisement for her child. All she has to do is that click on advertisements and acquire information. From this experience, I wholeheartedly felt that advertisements for infants provide great comfort to parents.
Furthermore, children now become able to be secured by parents who have plenty of knowledge about infant's products such as a computer game machines.(문장이길어서 끊었어요;) Parents are able to control and manage their children's products productively. For example, a couple of years ago, according to New York Times, a child was killed by playing a computer game too much time. During that time his parents were not at home as they worked late shift. Nonetheless, I could not drop doubt reasonably seeing that child could not die if his or her parents were interested in his computer game machine. They never thought about its negative effects. I certainly believe that if his parents checked an advertisement and a review of the computer game, their son who is priceless might not be killed.(they have would not lost their son..문법이 확실하지가 않네요;;죄송; 그들은 그들의 아들을 잃지 않았을것이다..라고 말하고싶었는데 헷갈리네요; ) In this respect, children are also able to benefit from the infant advertisements.
Albeit many people worry about abusing children's less cognition by commercial purpose, it brings more beneficial advantage to infants as well as to parents. Therefore, from my standpoint, all we have to do is that we should not let companies use negative intention to advertise their products to our invaluable children.
음, 토픽이 무엇인가요? 광고가 좋은영향을 준다로 나가다가 , conclusion에서 왜
"그러므로, 회사들이 negative intention to advertise~" 가 나오는지;
뭐랄까, 흐름이 깨진듯한 느낌이랄까요,
꾸준히 쓰시고 자기가 다시 읽으면서 이상한 부분있으면 체크하고 찾아보고
고치고, 물어보고 하는방법이 제일 좋은 방법같아요 ^^
도움이 될 수 있으면 도와드릴께요 ^^
근데 자기가 자기가 쓴걸 다시 읽고 또 읽고 고치는 방법을 저는 추천합니다.
다른사람이 고쳐주는것보다 자신이 고치는게 더 효과적이거든요 ^^
하여튼 gud luck