Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Spending money on something that lasts for a long time, such as an expensive piece of jewelry, is better than spending money on a short-term pleasure, such as a vacation. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
Some people place a high priority on things that lasts for a long time such as diamond, whereas others argue that spending money for a short-term pleasure is more important. As far as I am concerned, spending money for what they people want to do everyday is a more wise wiser way of living in many aspects. Short-term happiness is more important because it helps people re-energize themselves and offers a lot of valuable experiences for their people's life.
To begin with, people take advatage of gainning refreshment by short-term pleasures. Life is harsh for most people.(It is difficult/tough to live in this world.) They People are easily stressed out from their work and study. In this regard, short-term pleasures such as going on a vacation or attending a rock concert definitely help people to eradicate all kinds of worries and stresses. For example, my one of co-workers, Kyung-ho, goes to the baseball stadium in Jamsil to see the game every weekends. He argues that he is able to wash out all of his stress by cheering and shouting with other people during the game.
In addition, by spending money on short-terms pleasures, people have more opportunities to experiecne things which make their lives abundant. Focusing on buying superficial things like an piece of jewelry is not wise. People have to do things which will be beneficial for their lives as many much as possible since life is short. For example, activities such as visiting a museum and taking a trip to other countries will allow people to appease fullfil with their curiosity in for the world and to understand a variety of curtures. Eventually, these will broaden the sight of seeing the world (broaden point of view toward the world) and allow them to live wisely.
To sum up, it is better to know the significance of short-term pleasures in life. People can be free from worries and stresses and , obtain priceless lessons and experience with these from those short term pleasures. For wise people, the answer of how they should live is so evident; Just do it what you want to do.
>> If you want to live your life wisely, look for plesures from your daily life. There are lots of valuable pleasures/enjoyment/gifts around you rather than expensive jewelry....뭐 이런식으로 다시한번
토픽으로 돌아가셔야되요;확실하게. 마지막에 Jut do it what you want to do..이런식으로 끝나면
토픽이랑 상관없는 걸로 끝나게 되는거니까요. 마지막에 확실히 전체 지금까지 써오셨던 주제, 하고자하는
얘기를 확실히 마지막에 기억에 남게 쓰시는게 좋을 듯하구요.
그리고 전체적으로 말하자면; 단어선택이나 structure 같은건되게 좋으신데 진짜 자잘한 실수들
복수나 a, to.. 뭐 이런거.. 그런기본적인거가 틀리면 아무래도 아주 높은 점수를 받기에는 힘들죠
그런거는 고치기 쉬우니까요 그런것만 주의하신다면 뭐 28~30 은 나오지 않을까요
Guuuuuud Luck ^^
점수가 완전 정체에 뚝 떨어지네요
24 -> 24 -> 22
뭐가 문제일까요...
25점 위로는 꿈도 꾸지 말아야 하나요..
첨삭 지도도 받아보긴 했지만
뭔가 좀 근본적인 문제를 알고싶습니다.
첨삭 꼭 좀 부탁드려요..!!