▶ Your Answer : An intriguing topic of question due to people may concerning opinion about this statement for two following reasons (무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인가요? 또 주제는 무엇인가요). Some people may believe that paying higher will increase the quality of education. However, I undoubtedly believe will for two following subsequent reasons. (뭘 자신이 주장한다는 것인가요? 전체적으로 인트로 자체가 모호하여서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다)
To begin with, Increasing the payment could bring students to waste time. Students today live in a tight budget because they are responsible for their college tuition, therefore, If the university improve improves (university는 단수 주어 입니다) the higher salaries to professors, they will need part-time job for this payment. Thus, they will be able to have less time to study for the better education. For instance, When i was in highschool when I was in high school (대문자는 문장 시작할 때만 서술하시길 바랍니다), I was an a great deal of stress riseing raising for my upcoming SAT exam. although, i concentrate for my SAT exam, however, My part time jobs makes me hard to have time for my preparing. Fortunately, I was able to have a good result for my test after i quite quit the part-time job. This is because I was able to concentrate longer after stop working. Thus I am sure that i would have fallen behind.
Taking all of these things into count, although the question of whether to increasing the payment or not is open to interpretation. it seems reasonable that increasing is not a good choice because of the two reasons above.
점수: 19 일단 인트로 부터 모호합니다. 인트로 부터 자신의 줒아이 완벽하게 나와야하는데 .지금 이 에세이 같은 경우에 있어서는 인트로 부터가 주제또한 명확하게 보여지지 않는 거 같습니다. 또한 한 단락에 너무나 많은 정보를 넣으려고 하는 거 같습니다. 이러한 부분은 에세이로 하여금 장황하게 만들기 때문에 주의하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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