▶ Your Answer :
There are lots
of discussions arisen, and one of them is whether the extended form of family is
less important now than it was in the past concerning with the importance of extended family. Several people disagree with the
idea stressing out that extended family is always helpful in many aspects,
however, I agree with the statement. The importance of extended family has
lessened nowadays than the past. And there are the reasons below. for the following two subsequent reasons
First of all,
people can make a variety of relationships through the Internet as they want (이유 부분은 항상 간결하게 서술하시길 바랍니다).
It is meaningful and fun way for most of the people to rapport each other with
people met through social media, etc. This is because of the innovative
developments of the Internet. People can talk and keep in touch with each other
as they are in the same space Thanks to the development of internet, people can talk and keep in touch with each other. For instance, I met a foreign friend through the
Internet, exactly through social medium ‘Facebook’, and she and I became the
best friends to each other, since we could send messages and photos of us any
times in which we became very close to each other by sending message. And she is from different cultural background from my one, so I could
learn new things through the relationships with her As she was from different cultural background, I could learn new things. This kind of relationship
was not available in the past, so it was so much meaningful to have a large
family and learn many things by the relationships with various family members.
But these are not necessary nowadays. (일단 이 부분은 주제를 벗어났습니다 본인의 이유랑 주제와 무슨 연관이 있는지 모르겟습니다)
On top of that,
the extended family of these days can make unessential troubles. Trends and
cultures change so fast in this modern society. This means that there are lots
of differences of cultures of different generations There are lots of cultural difference between generation. Living in this busy modern
world, most people have so much stress from their daily lives. Therefore, it is
likely to be developed so much inflicts of each other. And the consequence of
the troubles could be fatal, because of the stress of the people resulting in the increase in stress. According to
the research held by Seoul National University, it is likely to get worse
consequence of inflicts of people than the past people can get worse consequence from relationship. The researchers, who have
professions in this field, explain this socially and psychologically. (마무리가 굉장히 아쉬운 에세이인거 같습니다)
In conclusion,
large form of family is less important now than the past. People can have lots
of relationships that are meaningful online, and the extended family of these
days can make inflicts from people. Opinions can be various from people to
people, but what is important is that the discussions for better world are
meaningful for the whole society.
점수: 22 각 단락이 서로 문제를 가지고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 이유가 주제를 벗어났습니다. 주제와 전혀 관련이 없는 이유를 가지고 에세이를 서술하였습니다. 따라서 항상 이유를 서술할 때에 주제에 중점을 두면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 마무리가 아쉽습니다. 마무리를 통해서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다.
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