▶ Your Answer :
There are lots
of discussions arisen, and one of them is whether the extended form of family is
less important now than it was in the past. Several people disagree with the
idea stressing out that extended family is always helpful in many aspects,
however, I agree with this statement. The importance of extended family has
lessened nowadays than the past. And there are the reasons below.
First of all,
people can make a variety of relationships through the Internet as they want.
It is meaningful and fun way for most of the people to rapport each other with
people met through social media, etc. (바로 전에 했던 말과 중복됩니다) This is because of the innovative
developments of the Internet. People can talk and keep in touch with each other
as they are in the same place space. For instance, I met a foreign friend through the
Internet, exactly through social medium ‘Facebook’, and she and I became the
best friends to each other, since we could send messages and photos of us any
times. And she is from different cultural background from my one, so I could
learn new things through the relationships with her. (서로 다른 문화적 배경에서 와서 많은 걸 배울 수 있다는 뜻인가요? 그렇다면 As she came from different cultural background, I could learn so many things through this relationship. 이라고 쓰는 것이 더 낫습니다) This kind of relationship
was not available in the past, so it was so much meaningful to have a large
family and learn many things by the relationships with various family members.
But these are not necessary nowadays.
On top of that,
the extended family of these days can make unessential (약간 어색합니다) troubles. Trends and
cultures change so fast in this modern society. This means that there are lots
of differences of cultures of different generations. Living in this busy modern
world, most people have so much stress from their daily lives. Therefore, it is
likely to develop a number of inflicts. be developed so much inflicts of each other. And the consequence of
the troubles could be fatal, which can lead to fatal consequences (이렇게 문장을 잇는 것이 훨씬 더 clear하게 의미 전달 합니다). because of the stress of the people. According to
the research held by Seoul National University, it is likely to get worse
consequence of inflicts of people than the past. The researchers, who have
professions in this field, explain this socially and psychologically.(이 문장이 뭘 설명하려고 있는 것인지 모르겠습니다)
In conclusion,
large form of family is less important now than the past. People can have lots
of relationships that are meaningful online, and the extended family of these
days can make inflicts from people. Opinions can be various from people to
people, but what is important is that the discussions for better world are
meaningful for the whole society.(주제에서 약간 벗어난 것 같습니다)
문장 시작하는 부분에서 and나 but 이 자주 들리는 편입니다. 이러한 단어들은 문장 시작할때부터 쓰면 조금 어색해 보이고, 문장 중간에 연결사로만 쓰는게 맞습니다. 문장 잇기 연습이 조금 필요한 것 같습니다. 중간중간 문법 오류들이 굉장히 많습니다. 정확한 문장을 쓰는데에 약간의 어려움을 겪고 있는 것 같으니, 문법 연습 조금 하시는게 좋을 것 같습니다.
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