▶ Your Answer :
Some people depends depend (people는 복수 주어 입니다) on pure luck rather than working hard to be successful and they say that it is all a matter of fortune whether you succeed in something, such as getting good grades on exam or a promotion, or not become successful. However, I believe that this cannot be true. I feel this way for two reasons, which I will explore in the following essays. for the following two subsequent reasons To begin with, arduous efforts encourages us to reach to our goals. If people put their time in doing something like playing a musical instrument or studying English, it is obvious that they will be good at it soon. This is because they They (this is because는 적절하지 않는 표현 입니다) would be proud of themselves, watching themselves growing up, and this is the most powerful impetus for the accomplishment. On the other hand, just relying on luck has no meaning since it makes people feel depressed, which means that they cannot be pleased with watching themselves who is doing nothing, just counting on luck. Last year, for example, when I knew that I made poor marks on mid-term exam, I was so disappointed to myself because I believed that the test will be easy for me without doing study studying. To gain better scores on the next exam, I had to spend almost 8 hours per a day for it and, when I obtained greater scores than any other students’, I realized that working hard always leads people to the positive consequence. On top of that, actually, luck does not exist. Usually, people say that they were lucky when good things happen to them but, in fact, this is not true. To further illustrate my standpoint with an example, I would like to discuss my experience. Last week, though I got a promotion in the company, I believed that it was because I was lucky. However, when my boss told me that I recorded the best performance in the firm, I could finally acknowledge my dedication to my company and be happy to getting reward from working.
To summarize what I mentioned above, it is clear that which make people succeed is because of their efforts, not luck. Therefore, nothing in mind casts doubt in my resolute standpoint regarding given statement. (367words)
점수: 23 지금 이 에세이는 각 단락이 서로 문제를 가지고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 불필요한 부연설명들이 너무 많습니다. 불필요한 부연설명들 때문에 에세이를 통하여서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 파악하기가 너무 어려웠습니다. 따라서 좀 더 간결하게 자신의 주장을 전달하시길 바랍니다. 또한 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 내용이 너무 빈약합니다. 내용이 빈약하다 보니 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 좀 더 구체적으로 자신의 주장을 전달하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |