▶ Your Answer :
Some people think the main factor or, even the only factor for success is hard work. However, I disagree with the thesis that people`s success is made by hard work but and luck has nothing to do with the success. I think luck is also relevant factor of success. I disagree with the idea for two reasons. (이미 위에 같은 내용을 담고 있는 문장이 있습니다.) First of all, people can not dodge and avoid the uncertainty. There is no doubt that hard work is a major factor of success. However, every moment in people`s life, they go through variations and randomness of events. People Although people think it is possible to predict and avoid every single part of it. But, (문장을 and but so 로 시작하는 것은 좋지 못합니다.) in reality, people get in to accidents, and die because of natural disasters. Variations are caused daily and fluctuates in a certain range, but randomness can not be predicted. For instance, Alan Turing, the a British mathematician and scientist, was a war hero by devoting himself in making a decode computer called ‘Colossus’. However, being accused of homosexuality, he was found guilty and had to get an estrogen hormone injection. But (여기 역시 마찬가지이고요.) he could not bare the changes in his body, and committed a suicide. He was hard working man, however he was unlucky that he was somehow randomly born in era, (시대상 태어난 것까지 여기서 말하는 운으로 치부하는 것은 너무 나갔습니다. 차라리 윗 문맥과 이어서 자연재해에 관한 예시를 적는 게 낫습니다.) when it was not tolerant for sexuality issues.
Second, I think the luck is the last key, or the plug that makes the whole hard work leading to the success. Having only with the luck, it It would be less likely to attain success only with luck. But, it can not be ignored that since hard work can be attained by completing several stages. (여기는 비문입니다. since 즉 ~ 때문에~~ 하고 문장이 그대로 끊겨버리죠.) All success are not gained at once. Every people Everyone tries hard to upgrade their level on their own criteria. For instance, there could be undergraduate school master`s degree or Ph.D for university student, who wishes to enhance his or her level. People try hard to be so close to success, and need a little luck to enter the ‘Success Level’. (중요한 건 이쪽입니다. 어떠한 방식으로 조금의 운이 필요한지에 대해 글쓴이님 말고는 아무도 모르기 때문에 이걸 설명해주셔야 해요. 밑의 사례는 이와 관련해서 비교적 잘 되어있으므로 어차피 문단이 조금 긴 편이라 여기는 지우는 걸 추천드리긴 합니다.) Moreover, the famous musicians and scientist have tried so hard to invent or proof a theory and compose masterpieces. They have gone through hard work and many trials. But without luck, they may not have found a hint, or factor that solves the problem, which led themselves to next phases.
In Consequence consequence, I think when people succeed, it is because of hard work and also luck. The first reason was because of uncertainties that people under go such as variations and randomness. The second reason was that luck is a factor that connects the phases between hard work and might be the plug that solves the problem.
총평: 본론 두 문단 모두 들어주신 사례와 관련된 문제가 있기 때문에 이쪽을 먼저 봐주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 첫 번째 문단의 경우는 너무 과한 사례가 쓰였기 때문에 (물론 이건 채점자마다 견해가 다를 수 있지만, 애초에 시험장에서 운에 기대지 않고 모든 변수를 제거하는 게 좋아요.) 두 번째 문단의 사례는 중요한 사항에 집중하기보다는 지방방송 위주로 나열되어있기 때문에 수정해주시면 됩니다. 또한 쉼표가 많이 남발되는 편인데, 이는 글을 읽어나가는 흐름을 뚝뚝 끊어먹으므로 쉼표는 꼭 필요한 경우에만 넣어주세요. 수고하셨습니다 :)
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