▶ Your Answer :
Nowadays, many youngers are struggling young people struggle to
find part-time jobs or volunteer works to do even when they do not have enough
time to rest. Do you think they just need more money or some volunteer hours
for their graduation? My answer is no (독립형 에세이에서는 이러한 의문형 질문은 적절하지 않습니다). They are seeking seek to accumulate
experiences which only can be earned from society, and these are never gained
from just learning the skills of sports or playing musical instrument. I’ll
explain my views on this by the reasons addressed below (그래서 자신의 주장이 무엇인가요? 자신의 주장이 무엇인지 모르겠습니다).
To begin with, young people can meet
various type of people and develop their own personality in positive way young people can develop own personality. The
period before people enter a society, especially before they get a job, is the
most important time to build their identity and it last until they die in most
cases. If they do a part-time job or volunteer in a community that time, they
can meet many people and learn how to communicate with diverse people. It will
directly affect to their own personality. For instance, I will give an example
of myself. When when (I will give an example같은 표현은 구어체 이기 때문에 적절하지가 않습니다) I was a middle school student, I regularly volunteer at an
orphanage in my hometown. There were many children grew growing in different
environment, and also, their characters were all different. It was a hard time
for me to deal with them, but finally we understood each other and could be
friends. I learned how to get along with other people, and this experience
helped me when I go to high school. Had it not been for this experience, I
would not have been able to develop my sociality.
On top of that, it is possible to make
relationships which will be helpful for their future while doing a part-time
job or volunteering. As we all know, personal connections are the most
important thing among society. Some people met in the work spaces might be able
to support them and help them out at hard times (문장 구조가 이상합니다 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다). For example, I will talk about
my college friends A and B to elucidate my point. In the case of A, she had
been doing was doing many part-time jobs whenever she had some spare times. Unlike A, B
never did hard works such as part-time jobs or volunteer. When it was time to
graduate university and find their job, A easily got a job she wanted to by
supporting her friends. However, B didn’t have any network associated with his
interest, so he started to find internships and had hard time to get a job.
To sum up, accumulating work experience by a
part-time job or volunteering in a community at a young age can be a valuable
opportunity to build positive personality, and also develop social connections
which is helpful when they are in trouble. In this regard, the first case would
be a better choice for young people. (471 words)
점수: 21 일단 인트로 부터 정리가 덜되었습니다. 인트로 부터 시작하여서 이 에세이를 통해서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 인트로 부터가 자신의 주장을 명확하게 말을 하지 않다 보니 전체적으로 에세이 자체가 정리가 덜되어잇다라고 느겨지는 거 같습니다. 따라서 이 에세이에서 필요한 것은 확실한 방향성이 중요한 거 같습니다. 그래야지만 정확하게 본인이 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 파악이 될 거 같습니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |