▶ Your Answer : Some people think that it is a waste of time for students to
spend at least one year working or traveling before they go to university.
However, I believe that it is good for them to work or travel before their
universities for two reasons. This is because working or traveling enable
students to broaden their perspectives about diverse cultures and set specific
goals. (이미 밑에서 다 이유를 설명을 할 것이기 때문에 굳이 인트로를 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
To begin with, traveling enable enables (ing뒤에서는 단수 동사를 서술하시길 바랍니다) students
to broaden perspectives. Understanding an environment in university and the
potential role of traveling is necessary to substantiate this view (어떤 부분에 있어서 입증을 한 다는 것인지를 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다). When a
student goes to an university for his first time, he will meet various people
from diverse cultures. Therefore, it is essential to understand their culture
to get along with them. In this context, traveling to new destinations means
opportunities to learn new ideas, because what is commonly accepted as the
cultural norm at home may not be the case in other cultures. Being able to
shift Shifting perspectives helps to relate better to those from different cultural values.
In this regard, students who have wide perspective are more likely to build can build
good relationship with new people from different regions.
On top of that, working provides new
experiences to help students to set their goals in university. In response to
the increasing role of working experience, many expert opinions and research
statistics reinforce the idea of working at least one year enables students to
be determined what they are going to do (이부분을 입증할 수 있는 부분을 좀 더 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다). Since students who just have graduated graduated from high school lack enough experiences, they are likely to consider following
the unsuitable paths, especially when their peers do so (이 부분을 통해서 하고자 하는 말이 무엇인가요? 이해가 되지 않습니다). However, if they had
working experiences in the real world, they could find their strength and
weakness. In addition to that, they could possibly meet a good mentor to advise
how to deal with real world's problems. Though such guidance, students will choose
suitable paths for their future career. It means that they will know what
courses they should take and actively participate in learning, which lead them
to achieve their goal.
To sum up, I believe that student should
have experiences of at least one year working or traveling before they go to
university for the following reasons: to have wide perspective on other cultures
and to choose better future goals. Consequently, the importance of my view
cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
점수: 25 일단 지금 이 에세이에서 필요한 부분은 구체적인 설명이 들어가야하는 부분들이 있습니다. 입증을 한다는 데 전혀 입증이 되어있지 않는 체 다른 문장으로 넘어가는 거 같습니다. 따라서 이 에세이에서는 이러한 부분에 있어서 좀 더 구체적으로 자신의 주장을 전달해야할 거 같습니다. 또한 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 파악이 안되는 부분들이 있으니 좀 구체적인 설명을 해주시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |