▶ Your Answer :
Since
the beginning of 21st century, after the end of the cold war, world has
confronted with the era in which every nation strives hard to progress in order
to achieve the set goals individual country pursues. There are various
variables that enhance overall economic of a country. However, among different
aspects (among은 여러 복수를 일컫는 것이기 때문에 복수 명사가 나와야 합니다), people believe, country should focus on school to make a country become
developed country. Although there are many opinions regarding with the issue of
enhancing to enhance schools, I personally believe, a nation should focus on increasing
the quality of education to flourish for the following two reasons.
To begin with, the increase in
education leads to overall increase in economic as it is related to the human
development index. There is a correlated relationship between the level of
education and a country’s economy. As a part of HDI, when the literacy rate of
a country is relatively enhanced, overall economic activity has been improved.
In a Keynesian economy, the aggregate demand tends to be higher when the
education is provided equally to each citizen. For example, concerning with my
nation Korea, although in the past it was regarded as poor country, with the
development of technology and the effort of governance and people, Korea became
one of the economically largest country. As our regime puts emphasis on
education in which more than 50 percent of people attend university, the
economic level of country has gradually and significantly enhanced. With the
increase in level of education, a country will face with becoming the developed
country.
Furthermore, schools are the best
place where young generation can find the future career, in particular when
they attend university. Among the different kinds of school system,
universities provide the best place to find what each individual wants to
pursue in the future. Nowadays, in a highly competitive society, people, in
general ponder a plethora of time to determine what would become in the future about their future career.
As becoming successful is limited, individual either attends college or gets employed.
By enrolling the university for four years, human, acquiring distinctive
subjects can broaden their perspective. Experiencing with different people and
learning, people develop certain outlook to look forward to bigger future. To
elaborate, before attending college, I was not sure what to become. However,
with four years of enrollment, I finally found a job I would like to perceive
in the future. By enlarging my major, east Asia international division, my goal
is to become a diplomat. With such example, it manifests that school itself
progresses a country as one can develop perspective to become successful.
To conclude, it is plausible to
state that there are other factors that can lead to a successful country leading to successful country.
However, with the correlation between education and economic development and
broadened perspective, schooling should be improved within a country in order
to enhance its either economic and political way. Thus, one should put emphasis
on education to develop country into more developed country.
점수: 27 일단 불필요한 부연설명들이 많습니다. 이러한 부연설명들은 전체적으로 에세이로 하여금 장황하게 만듭니다. 에세이가 장황하게 되다 보면 본레 자기가 전달하려고 했던 의미들이 변질 되게 됩니다. 의미가 변질되다 보면 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 파악하기가 어렵기 때문에 좀 더 간결하게 서술하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 부분을 재외하고는 전체적으로 자신의 주장을 잘 전달하고 있습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |