▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that they
would go back if they could go back to some time and place to live with less
pollution. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for two
subsequent reasons. First, in the past, people lived inconveniently. Second,
pollution affects people’s life slightly.
First of all, people lived with
inconvenience in the past. Over the past few decades, there are so many
transportation options such as subway and home appliances have developed, all
of which made it easier for people to live conveniently in which it made the life itself convenient. However, in the past,
people had no transportation options, so they should walk to a destination
where they want to go to. Also, they had less home appliances but to do their
house chores by hand. According to research done by Korea University, it is
used to take 3 hours for the average housewives to wash clothes and 2 hours for
the students to go to school in the 60’s. However, in 2018, both of the time
reduced to 30 minutes which has allowed people to spend their time on other
important things. This clearly shows that the various transportation (transportation은 셀 수 없는 명사 입니다) and home
appliances have made people’s life much more convenient.
On top of that, people’s life is
not affected much by pollution. Even though environment pollution is serious
nowadays, people’s life does not depend on the pollution. People’s happiness
relies on money, satisfaction of their job, family relationship etc and family relationship. Let me
bring up my personal story as an example. When For example, when (let me bring up~같은 표현은 구어체 이기 때문에 적절하지가 않습니다) I was 8 years old, I lived near
landfill place. However, though I was in bad environment, I was very happy
because my family relationship is so sticky. This is due to the fact that pollution
is not important for people’s happiness.
In conclusion, people’s life in the
past is very inconvenient and people’s happiness is not affected by pollution.
In this regard, I do not want to go back to the past if I could go back to some
time and place to live without pollution.
점수: 26 약간의 어색한 표현들이 있습니다. 이러한 표현들은 독립형 에세이로 하여금 플로우를 방해하기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 부분을 재외하고는 저체적으로 자신의 주장을 잘 전달하고 있는 에세이입니다. 각 단락의 구체적 설명을 통하여서 왜 현 재 삶이 더 나은지를 구체적으로 잘 설명하고 있습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
|