▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who believe that parents do not need to set strict rules for their children. However, I disagree with the above idea for the subsequent two reasons. First, strict rules help children improve social skills. Second, children enhance their self management skills by obeying parent’s strict rules. To begin with, parents’ strict rule can help children go well with others to have an ability to cope with others. In other words, children can realize the importance of rule by following the rules, so they become trustful people and others would like to be their friends. Let me bring up my personal story as an example. When I was a kid, there was no rule in upon my family and I became a selfish child. Because I had lots of trouble with friends, my father made very strict rules for me such as sharing foods with friends and being honest to anyone and so on. As I followed the rule I could be the most popular student among peers. 전개가 너무 급하게 나간다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 부모님의 룰이 어떠했는지 상세히 설명하거나 그 룰을 따라하게 하니 사람들이 좋아할 만한 성격이 갖추어 지게 되드라 등등의 설명이 꼭 필요해 보입니다. On top of that, strict rules enable children to build their self management skills. To be specific, as children follow parents’ rules, they can learn how to control their mind. This kind of management skill would play a key role of their career in their future career. For example, a recent study was conducted by Korea Business Associate to find out the way to live a successful life. The result was intriguing for all parents. The study showed that those who had grown up with parents’ strict rules tend to show higher level of self management skills and have valuable jobs with higher salary than those who were grown up without strict rules. To sum up, parents’ strict rule helps their children to be a social and trustful people. In this regard, I firmly believe that if parents wish to see their children succeed in life, they should set strict rules for them. Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 첫 번째 바디에서는 예시에 대한 부분이 급전개로 이어져 갔다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 예시 중간중간에 핵심적인 부분이 빠졌다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 제가 참석하신것을 보시고 구체적인 설명을 더 서술하면 좋을 거 같습니다. 이와 반대로 두 번째 바디는 약간의 문법적 오류들을 재외하고는 논리적으로 아주 매그럽게 서술하신거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |