▶ Your Answer :
There are various ideas about the statement that
working at home using computers or telephones is better than working in the
office. If I had to choose one, I would say it is better to work in the office
than working at home using computers or telephones. There are several reasons
as follows. for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, working in the office with other people
helps a person to socialize with many various individuals. A person needs to
learn how to work with others to have more personal connections, and there is
no doubt that working in the office with various individuals is an effective way
to do it. Improving relationships plays a significant role in a person’s development. A person tends
to achieve greater success when they have close and supportive bonds with people
from diverse backgrounds. This is because many people choose to hire or work
with people close to them. This can cause problems when disqualified people are
selected but it is clearly shown that how essential it is to build friendships with
people from many different backgrounds. For example, David who is one of my roommates during
college years works for Human Resources Department of Samsung Electronics. He
has been sending me e-mails with a new job posting before he posts in on the
official website. 따라서 이 예시를 통하여서 말하려고 하는 것이 무엇인가요?
On top of that, people can build tolerance when they
work in the office while having social interaction. It is believed that meeting
as many diverse people as possible is important if a person wants to build tolerance,
and working in the office is definitely a good way to do it. Today’s social structure makes it
necessary to respect those with dissimilar religious and ethnic beliefs. When
people from diverse culture need to work together, tolerance works as a barrier
to prejudice and brings them together. Understanding different goals in life is
also required the same attitude. Other people’s lifestyles deserve to be
treated with respect. For instance, some people choose to exercise while others
do not want. Some people are driven to succeed in their career, while others
are easy-going about these matters. All of them need to be treated the same.
Therefore it is important to work in the office since it can help people accept
the dissimilarity of others.
All things considered, working in the office is better
than working at home using telephones or computers. All in all, the importance
of working with various individuals in the office cannot be overestimated in
the pursuit of one’s development.
Good: 24~30 점수: 24 일단 불필요한 부연 설명 때문에 전체적인 에세이를 장황하게 만듭니다. 따라서 장황하게 에세이를 서술하는 것 보다 간결하게 본인이 말하려고 만 하는 것을 서술하는 것이 좋은 독립형을 서술하는데에 있어 도움이 될 거 같습니다. 또한 첫 번째 단락에서의 예시는 무슨 의도를 통하여서 서술한 것인지 이해가 안갑니다. 연결성을 좀 더 서술하시길 바랍니다.수고많으셨습니다.
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