▶ Your Answer :
Most people around the globe might think
that spending time with family is imperative these days. No doubt there are
concerns that families nowadays are not intimate enough to form a healthy
family. That being said, in my point of view, performing better at work and
earning more money to support their family is more crucial.
To begin with, children tend to look up to
their parents. If their parents do better in a job, their kids probably will
follow in their footsteps. It is an instinct for kids to emulate someone who is
close to them and cares about them. For example, when I was a kid my father
normally came home late from his work. Thus, my mother worried about the bond
between my father and I. However, I did not care much about it and just adored
the fact that my father was a prominent figure in the society. I tried to
become like him so studied hard ever since I was able to acknowledge how high
his rank was in the community. Therefore, I graduated from a prestigious
college and landing my foot forward by degrees to reach to his reputation.
On top of that, earning more money is
paramount in the capitalistic society than forming an intimate relationship
with their kids. The more money he makes, the healthier his kids will become.
Because the quality of the meals his kids eat will be higher when he is able to
afford it and provide it with money he earns. For instance, a study conducted
by Seoul National University has shown that children from an affluent family
are 21 percent healthier than those from a destitute family. This is reliable
evidence because one of the most robust friends of mine who grew up in a
wealthy family is a living fossil.
To sum up, performing better at work and
making a lot of money is essential than ever in contemporary society. In this
regard, I argue that devoting oneself to their job is more meaningful than
spending time and forming a close bond with family
Good: 24~30 점수: 27 지적할 부분이 없는 독립형 에세이입니다. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우에는 문법적인 오류가 없습니다. 문법적인 오류가 없을 뿐만 아니라 전반적으로 간결하게 본인의 주장을 잘 나타내어져 있습니다. 이러한 부분이 좋은 이유는 독립형 에세이에서 가장 근본적으로 보는 것이 얼마나 에세이가 설득력이 있나 입니다. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우에는 적절한 예시와 구체적인 설명 덕분에 잘 주장이 맞아 떨어지는 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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