▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that good looks are more essential for success than good ideas. However, in my opinion, good ideas are more crucial for success rather than good physical appearance. I feel this way for two reasons, which I will explore the following essay.
To begin with, having creative ideas makes job candidates competitive in the future job market. This is mainly because as modern society is becoming increasingly sophisticated and intellectualized, today's job markets requires job applicants to have intellectual capabilities and good ideas necessary to the department of the company. Obviously, I am willing to admit good external appearance is somewhat worth in that some companies prefer to have good physical appearance; however, generally speaking, average companies set a priority on being equipped equipping with good ideas in terms of one's major field in which people they would work. For example, my father, a boss of a company in my city, often tells me that job interview is the most important component in hiring workers, taking up 70 percent of final calls. My father and other interviewers largely look at the applicants' the ability to create a creative idea instantly and thinking ability. Thus, it is safe to say that having good ideas plays an important role in getting a better job.
One On top of that, coming up with great ideas makes it possible for people to lead to becoming a good leader. This is on an account of the fact that if someone shows his or her one's an outstanding idea to the group member which he or she one belongs to, many members who are agree with the one's idea will follow the his idea and his leadership ability. Let me give you an example related to my experience. I have been a part of a local choir in my city from quite a few years ago. One day, I showed a creative idea related to conducting chorus, a sort of chorus technique, to many of the choir members by chance. However, amazingly enough, our conductor of choir recommended that I try to conduct and teach the choir as a sub-major conductor under him. I was so embarrassed embarrassing at first, but I soon tried to teach choir members a great choral music with the idea that I had come up with. As a result, many of my choir members followed me well, and I have already came to could become a leader of them. It was just a great idea that made me I could become a leader of the choir.
Taking all of these things into account, what I advocate boils down to the assertion that it is more important to have good ideas for success than good looks. since nNot only does having great ideas makes it possible for us to get a good job, but it also enables us them to be a good leader.
Comment : 좋은 아이디어가 직업 경쟁력이 되어주고 리더의 자질로서 기능한다는 주장이 아주 좋습니다. 설명이 매끄럽게 이어질 수 있도록 불필요한 내용을 정리하고 구성을 보완해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 시제, 수일치, 표현 오류들이 많으니 이 부분들 바로잡아주시면 훨씬 높은 점수대의 글이 될 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
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