▶ Your Answer :
Outline
1. 운동은
학업 성적을 높여준다
Ex) 연구
– 학업 성취도 50퍼센트 이상 높음
2. 운동
장비 비싸고 기부문화 없음
Ex) 스키수업
– 장비 노후
There is a controversial debate on whether that university athletic department
needs to receive the same amount of funding as university libraries. This is an
intriguing question because opinions concerning this issue can be different
relying on the individual perspectives. In my opinion, I agree with the opinion
that the funding of university athletic department should be get the same amount
with the amount university libraries get. This essay will explain why I think this way.
First of all, exercise is helpful for health as well as study. To be
specific, people know that when people exercise regularly, Iit decreases the
risk of illness such as cancer and heart disease. There are many students who
do not exercise regularly because they do not have enough time to do sports.
However, doing exercise steadily also is not only helpful for health but also increases the scholastic achievements. According to a study done by ITS Institution of
Education, university students group who regularly exercise get 50 percent
higher grades than other students group who do not exercise in research. This is
because when students exercise steadily, oxygen that occurs as doing sports
makes students concentrate on study. This clearly shows the importance of doing
exercise in order to focus on a study as students study.
Secondly, in many universities, athletic
equipment is obsoleted. To be specific, exercise equipment and physical
facilities are so expensive to students and even many universities do not care
about athletic equipment and gym. The universities should invest and care about
various exercise equipment and these facilities such as many pieces of
equipment of ski or golf and grounds of football or baseball. For example, when
I took a ski class, since most of the equipment was were obsoleted, I had to use rusted
ski equipment. It made makes me concern about safety. On the other hand, the
library's donation system is active and better than athletic department. Many
alumni or local residents donate books and money to the university library. It
proves that people should care about athletic department such as equipment or
condition of the gym. 낡았다고 해서 무조건 돈을 많이 투자해야 하는 것은 아니므로 설득력이 떨어집니다. 학생들에게 '필요한 것'에 돈을 투자해야 당위성이 확보되니까요. 투자했을 때 '장점'이 될만한 요소를 주장으로 제시하는 것이 좋습니다.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that it is necessary for university
athletic department to receive the same amount of funding as university
libraries get. All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding
this topic has been efficiently and precisely delivered with the reasons
mentioned above. Never should we forget that this issue may have a huge impact
on student's future.
Comment : 본론1에서 운동시설에 대한 투자가 학생들의 학습 측면에서 도움이 된다고 서술한 것과 같이, 본론2에서도 투자가 어떤 면에서 도움이 되는지를 분명히 보여줄 수 있는 주장을 제시해주는 편이 좋을 것 같습니다. 너무 낡았다는 설명만으로는 '도서관에 투자하는 만큼 많이 투자하는 것이 좋다'라는 내용을 설득력있게 보여주기 어렵습니다. 논리를 보완해서 답안을 다시 구성해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 시제 관련해서 문법오류 주의해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |