People's intellectual, social and personal development is highly influenced by where they learn.
So, I disagree with the idea. I believe that it is better to learn about foreign countries to visit those countries than from newspapers and magazines for two reasons. This is because learning about foreign countries to visit those countries by visiting enables people to broaden perspective and live happier lives.
First, learning about foreign countries to visit those countries allows people to broaden their perspective. Understanding, the daily environment of people and the potential role of learning about foreign countries to visit those countries is necessary to substantiate this view. Learning about foreign countries to visit those countries enables people to visit foreign countries to broaden their views. (반복적인 표현입니다 이 바디의 첫 번째 이유랑 겹치게 설명되었습니다.) Traveling to new destinations means opportunities to learn new ideas, because what is commonly accepted as the cultural norm at home may not be the case in other cultures. Being able to shift viewpoints help helps to relate better to those form different cultural values. On the other hand, learning about foreign countries from newspapers and magazines at home, we can't encounter direct cultural backgrounds We cannot encounter direct cultural background when we learn about foreign countries from newspaper or magazine. In this regard, if people did not learn about foreign countries to visit those countries, they would not effectively learn about foreign countries. 내용 면에서 확실히 좋았지만 구체적인 예시가 없던 것이 아쉽습니다. 본인의 이유를 elaborate할 수 있는 구체적인 예시가 있으면 더 좋을 거 같아요.
Second, learning about foreign countries to visit those countries be ables to live happier lives makes people live happier life. In response to increasing role of learning about foreign countries to visit those countries, many expert's opinions and research statistics reinforce the idea that learning about foreign countries to visit those countries enables people to live happier lives. (제가 느낀것은 앞에서도 그렇고 여기서도 그렇고 너무 반복되는 표현들이 계속 서술되어 지는 거 같습니다 문장을 다른 말로 풀어 쓰는 것을 추천 합니다.) For example, learning about foreign countries to visit those countries allows people to break away from their daily routines to live happier lives than learning about foreign countries form newspapers and magazines at home. By diverting from the mundane, people have the opportunity to encounter new activities to increase their life satisfaction. For instance, going to a new place, such as new york New York meeting divers people who was born other countries has psychological confidence and motivation form a completing a new challenge. provides people to meet different people to learn about motivation through competing with new environment. In other wards, learning about foreign countries to visit those countries provides the convenience for people to seek diversion that invoke invokes feelings of pleasure and satisfaction and ultimately enjoy happier life.
To sum up, I disagree with the idea and I believe that learning about foreign countries to visit those countries is better for two reasons : to broaden perspectives and live happier lives. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
Fair: 17~23
점수: 21
일단 너무 장황합니다. 에세이 자체가 장황하여서 본인의 의견을 잘 전달하지를 못하는 거 같습니다. 가장 눈에 뛰게 보였던것은 반복된 문장들이 되풀이 됩니다. 반복적인 문장이 많기 때문에 전체적인 에세이가 장황하다고 느껴진 거 같습니다. 또한 첫 번째 예시에서는 구체적인 예시가 없었지만 두 번째에서는 너무 많았습니다. 따라서 균형있는 예시를 사용하는 것이 본인의 에세이에 좋을 거 같습니다. 또한 문법적 오류들도 있기 때문에, 제가 참석한 것을 보시고 확인 하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.