▶ Your Answer : Most people around the globe might think that spending time with family is imperative these days. No doubt there are concerns that families nowadays are not intimate enough to form a healthy family. (What is it?) That being said, in my point of view, performing better at work and earning more money to support their family is more crucial. To begin with, children tend to look up to their parents. (So?) If their parents do better in a their job, their kids probably will follow in their footsteps. It is an instinct for kids to emulate someone who is close to them and cares about them. For example, when I was a kid my father normally came home late from his work. Thus, my mother worried about the bond between my father and I. However, I did not care too much about it and believe just adored the fact that my father was a prominent figure in the society. (What does it mean?) I tried to become like him so studied hard ever since I was able to acknowledge how high his rank was in the community. (Rank?) Therefore, I graduated from a prestigious college and landing my foot forward by degrees to reach to his reputation. (Awkward, you mean "set my food on land"?)
On top of that, earning more money is paramount in the capitalistic society than forming an intimate relationship with their kids. The more money he makes, the healthier his kids will become. Because the quality of the meals his kids eat will be higher when parents are he is able to afford it and provide it with money he earns. For instance, a study conducted by Seoul National University has shown that children from an affluent family are 21 percent healthier than those from a destitute family. This is reliable evidence because one of the most robust friends of mine who grew up in a wealthy family is a living fossil.
To sum up, performing better at work and making a lot of money are is essential than ever in contemporary society. In this regard, I argue that devoting oneself to their job is more meaningful than spending time and forming a close bond with family
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 3 | Score | Limited 10-17 | - 어색한 문장과 이해하기 어려운 내용들이 종종 등장합니다. - rank 라면 어떤 rank를 의미하는 것인가요? social class? - 두 번째 내용은 단순히 음식의 quality보다는 생활의 well being에 대한 관점에서 언급을 해주셨으면 좋겠네요.
|
|