Some people believe that TV has more positive effects more than negative effects on children's behavior since there is a countless number of educational materials in a TV and movie, while other people think differently. If I were asked to choose, I would say that the negative effects made from TV influence children's behavior more significantly than the positive effects do for the following two reasons.
First, children usually more sensitively react to vicious materials than a educational material react more sensitively on vicious elements. To be specific, there is not only educational material in the TV, but there are also some erotic and cruel type's program in the TV. violent elements And usually the children Children more easily delicately react to the vicious materials since these kinds of things are usually excluded by their parents. (반복 되는 표현인거 같습니다) Also, when people do something banned, they get so excited People get excited when doing something that is prohibited. Therefore, even though the TV contains some helpful programs for children to learn norms, they will negatively affect children's behavior. For example, according to an experiment taken by the NewYork times, they found that children usually get more influenced with vicious material than educational material. They assigned children to watch two movies while observing them. The first movie contained a lot of cruel scenes like a killing zombie and a blood while the second movie showed only an educational information about a history. During watching the first movie, the kid seemed to get so excited and after this time, some children mimicked the behavior shown in the first movie. (좀 더 예시가 왜 아이들에게 티비가 안좋은 영향을 주는지에 대한 것을 구체적으로 말해줄 필요가 있는 거 같습니다)
Second, the TV and movie make children easily be addictive in them addicted. Since watching the TV and movie are so handy tools for children to easily escape from an awful reality, while their parents usually force them to study (이 부분을 통하여서 하고자 하는 말이 무엇인가요? 설명이 필요해 보입니다). Then, this TV addiction is not only going to weaken their body, but it also will make the children get some nocturnal lifestyle The addiction itself brings about both weakening body and nocturnal lifestyle. So, since the TV and movie give some disadvantages by causing them to get addictive in the TV and movie, the TV and movie have so negative effects (계속 반복되는 문장을 서술하고 있습니다). For example, when I was a 9, I spent most of my whole days by watching some Japanese animation and took asleep for just two hours. Now I think that this is a reason why I was lacking of stamina compared to other peers and got some nocturnal lifestyle.
To sum up, the TV and movie show some erotic and vicious material to the children and it causes them to get some bad habits, even though there are also educational programs in the TV and movie. Also, the TV and movie easily make the children addictive in them. In this regard, I firmly believe that the negative effects of the TV and movie have more impact on children's behavior than their positive effects do.
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일단 각 단락의 마무리가 많이 아쉬운독립형 에세이입니다. 설명을 다 끝내고 에세이를 끝낸다라는 느낌을 주는 것이 아니라 전반적으로 이야기가 하다가 마무리가 된 느낌이 많이 듭니다. 따라서 에세이를 서술할 때에 마무리에 중점을 두면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 제가 첨삭한 것을 보시면서 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.