▶ Your Answer :
Some people say that parents are supposed to dedicate themselves to doing do homework assignments with their kids. However, in my opinion, it is more beneficial for children if they play games or do exercise with their parents.
First of all, it is good for relationship between children and parents. Playing games or doing sports creates relaxing atmosphere. Kids tend to feel bond with their family in a more comfortable situation. Also, when parents are helping help kids' homework, they usually get angry and say some discouraging words to their children. This can cause harm on their relationship. For example, my brother is in an elementary school student. My dad often play plays baseball with him on weekends. He never care cares much about my brother's homework assignments. Thus, my brother likes him a lot and always tell some episodes happened in his school when my dad comes back from work (마무리가 아쉽습니다 좀 더 구체적으로 왜 아이들이 숙제를 하면 안되는지에 대한 설명이 더 좋았을 거 같스빈다).
On top of that, it playing (it이 무엇인지 구체적으로 나오지 않았습니다) plays an important role in children's health. These days, children have less time to work out than ever before. Because they have a wealth of study plans (이 부분에서 하고자 하는 말이 무엇인가요?). This makes them susceptible to obesity. This is fatal to children's health. Hence, if parents spend time on playing with them, it will prevent kids from getting fat. For instance, my cousin was really fat in the past. Since he liked to eat but have had no time to do workout. So my uncle decided to spare some time on the evenings to do running with him. After several months, my cousin lost weight up to 10 kilograms. Now he is maintaining normal weight and staying in shape.
To sum up, it benefits both for parent-kid correlation and well-being of children. In this regard, I strongly believe that parents should allocate more time to play sports or amusement with their offspring.
점수: 23 일단 문법적 오류들이 있습니다. 이러한 문법적인 오류는 제가 첨삭한 것을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 지금 이 에세이에서 부족한 부분은 각 단락의 마무리 부분입니다. 마무리 부분에서 무엇을 정확하게 전달하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 따라서 좀 더 적절한 마무리를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |