▶ Your Answer : Some people think that young people today are more dependent on their parents than in the past. However, I believe that young people today are less dependent on their parents than in the past for two reasons. This is because a sense of independence enables children to broaden perspectives and enjoy a better quality of life. First, being less dependent on their parents than in the past enables children to broaden perspectives. Understanding the importance of accepting different cultural values and the potential role of being less dependent is necessary to substantiate this view. Being less dependent enables children to live in foreign countries to broaden perspectives. Traveling to new destinations means opportunities to learn new ideas, because what is commonly accepted as the cultural norm at home may not be the case in other cultures. Being able to shift perspectives helps to relate better to those from different cultural values. In this regard, being less dependent on their parents than in the past enables children to broaden perspectives. 과거보다 오늘날의 아이들이 더 부모에게 의존적이라고 보는지/아닌지를 묻는 문제인데 '덜 의존적이면 좋은 점'을 설명하고 있으므로 논점이 맞지 않습니다. Second, being less dependent on their parents than in the past enables children to enjoy a better quality of life. In response to the increasing role of being less dependent on their parents, many expert opinions and research statistics reinforce the idea that being less dependent on their parents enables children to live happier lives. For example, being less dependent on their parents enables children to break away from their daily routines to live happier lives. By diverting from the mundane, children have the opportunity to encounter new activities to increase their life satisfaction. For instance, making new friends has psychological benefits. It helps to detract focus from personal issues all the while, generating self-confidence and motivation from completing a new challenge. In other words, being less dependent on their parents provides the convenience for children to seek diversion that invoke feelings of pleasure and satisfaction and ultimately enjoy a better quality of life. 마찬가지로 부모로부터 자립하면 좋은 점에 대한 설명이므로 주제와 논점이 다릅니다. To sum up, I believe that young people today are less dependent on their parents than in the past for foe the following reasons: to broaden perspectives and enjoy a better quality of life. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
Comment : 주제가 묻는 내용을 다시 점검해주세요. 질문 내용은 '오늘날의 어린이들이 과거보다 더 부모에게 의존적이라고 보는가'이므로 더 의존적이라 본다면 어떤 점에서 더 의존적으로 보는지를 설명하고, 그렇지 않다는 반대 입장이라면 어떤 점에서 과거와 비슷하게/혹은 과거보다 덜 부모에게 의존적인지를 설명해야 합니다. 모델에세이에서 무조건 키워드만 변경할 경우 off-topic이 될 위험이 커지므로 주제에 맞게 적절하게 응용하는 연습이 필요합니다. off-topic은 감점요인이 크니 유의해주세요. 주제에 맞게 답안을 다시 구성해보셔도 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) |