▶ Your Answer :
A substantial number of people argue that
modern people are happier more happy and more satisfied than people were in the past. However,
in my opinion, people in modern days are less pleased enjoyable and satisfied than ever
before. This is because contemporary society gives too much stresses to the people
belonging to the society, and the weakened relationship negatively affects the people’s
satisfaction in life.
To begin with, modern society put too much
burden to people today. The rationale behind this is that current society
changes so frequently and rapidly, and people are required to adapt to the
swiftly changing world. In fact, the work environment in the companies has been
changing very often, so employees are needed to learn and adapt to the new
technologies. 이것이 왜 덜 행복하고 덜 만족스럽게 만드는지에 대한 부분을 강조해주면 좋을 것 같아요. 아랫 부분 사례에서 이야기한 것처럼 설명 과정에서도 적응을 요구받는다는 점만 서술하는 게 아니라 계속해서 바뀌는 것에 적응하는 것이 stressful하고 삶의 여유를 잃게 된다, 하는 식으로 사람들이 less happy and satisfied 되었다는 점에 더 초점을 맞춰주는 것이 좋습니다. For instance, my father has been working in the car component
company for 20 years. When he was a freshman, in 1998, he was required to use
just two engineering tools to do his tasks. However, as the technology
developed rapidly, he had to learn six new engineering programs, which are more
complicated than the previous tools, since 2012. It was so stressful for him to
learn and adapt to more complex programs than those he used before. Moreover, in
these days, as old devices in the workplaces were replaced by cutting-edge
electronic devices periodically, so he regularly took a lot of time to learn
how to use those devices. As this example demonstrates, contemporary society frequently
changes, and this makes people busy and stressed.
On top of that, the weakened human
relationships have a negative influence on the people’s satisfaction in life. This
is mainly because pPeople usually feel the happiness by interacting with other
people. Furthermore, people are mainly able to relieve their stresses when they
are with other people. However, apart from the previous generations, the
solidarity in the modern society is getting weak because people prefer individualism. 앞부분에서 사람들이 interacting하면서 행복하다고 했는데 개인주의를 선호한다고 연결하면 흐름이 모순적으로 보일 수 있어요. 개인주의를 '선호'하는 게 아니라 사회적으로 개인주의적 분위기가 만연하다, 하는 식의 표현이 더 자연스러울 것 같습니다. Even though this tendency gives convenience to the modern people, it negatively
impacts upon the people’s sentiments generally. According to the research
conducted by Seoul National University in 2014, 87% of 1,000 respondents
answered that they are not as happy as they were in 10 years ago although the
society developed progressively. Also, one of them mentioned that the main cause
is the weakened human relationships, and the person then mentioned that it is
difficult to get happiness in this soulless world. This implies that people in
the modern society can hardly feel the happiness.
To sum up, modern society gives too much
stresses to the people today, and the weakened human relationships have a
negative effect on the people’s satisfaction in life. In this regard, I
strongly believe that people are less joyful and satisfied today than people
were in the previous generations.
Comment : 주제에 맞는 흐름으로 논리적인 답안을 잘 구성해주셨습니다. 사례에서 이야기하기 전에 먼저 주장에 대한 설명에서 충분히 주제와 관련된 요소를 강조하고 사례를 연결하는 편이 '단계적 구성'면에서 점수에 유리하니 참고해주세요. 어색한 단어 사용이나 수량 표현 오류 체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)
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