Our society is outpacing drafatically has outpaced dramatically with fast changing economy and sciences. Due to this, many people feel that they are always running out of time to enjoy precious moments in life. However, the reality deviates the predictions of the many. Compared to the past In comparison to the past, human life expectancy has increased. This means that we have extended life time than those that had lived in the past. People have desired leisure and spared time in life, but would increase in life average life expectancy actually be advantageous? I personally believe that people must be prepared to face their old age and thoughtless increase in life expectancy is problematic.
First, most people work when they are in their twenties until they are in their fifties as current law regualtes the age people can work and gain an earning. A dramatic increase in life expectancy, however, may not allow people to be prepared financially to support their old age. With the current law that permits working until the age of 60 would not provide an overall sufficient income for individuals to sustain a decent life until they are in their nineties. As to reduce the impacts of unexpected poverty in ageing population, there is a need for to reform in law. Public law must consider shiting changing the quota for working age to 65, permitting old people to still work and cooperate economically even they are old. This would not only provide favorable opportunities to old people to gain money if they are willing to, but it would also revitalize the economy with infusion of more workforce.
Second, increase in life expectancy would provoke health issues. Commonsensically (무슨 말을 하려고 하는 건가요? 이해가 되지 않습니다. 구체적으로 설명이 필요해보입니다), we know that as humans get older, our bones become fragile and become more vulnerable to diseases. Unfortunately, despite the increase in life expectancy, scientists are still struggling to find medical cares for the old and we seem to be less prepared to catch up with the increase in average life expectancy. Therefore, there is definitely a need for a long term plan by the government to keep their citizens both mentally and physically healthy. One way of doing so is by using efficient health benefits. Government may dedicate more tax in welfare areas and alert the young people to be contentious of keeping their body healthy. Government should aim to make their aged people fit and be involved in many issues so that they are engaged in the society and not lagged behind.
Finally, research on medicine, less danger of war and mass' awareness of disease have increased the average life expectancy. Although this may seemingly be advantageous of personal lives, overall, there are some critical ensuing problems that should closely be dealt with. As suggested above, the government needs to allow old people to be active economically and also be concerned with health issues. Fair: 17~23 점수: 18 인트로에서 부터 끝까지 에세이가 너무 장황합니다. 너무 장황해서 전체적으로 무슨 말을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 잘 이해가 안갑니다. 특히 에세이를 정리하는 역활인 결론이 이 에세이에서 빠진 거 같습니다. 또한 독립형 에세이 같은 경우에서는 두 가지 이유가 세 가지 이유보다 났습니다. 이러한 이유는 전체적으로 독립형 에세이가 원하는 것은 얼마나 작성자가 간결하게 자신의 주장을 전달하면서 설득력 있게 서술하였나 입니다. 지금 같은 경우에는 너무 장황하기 때문에 설득력 부분에 있어서 많은 감점을 얻게 되니 두 가지 이유로 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |