▶ Your Answer : Some people think that colleges and universities do not have to do a better job preparing students for their work place. However, in my opinion, colleges and universities should help students to get a job. Two major reasons are that colleges and universities have obligation to make their students life better and students can be prepared more efficiently by getting helps from their schools rather than by themselves. for the following two subsequent reasons. First of all, colleges and universities have their duty to assist their students to go to large companies and earn lots of money after they graduate. The reason why colleges and universities educate their students is to have their students use knowledge they learned after they graduate College and universities are preparation for students to gain knowledge and use after they graduate. Therefore, if they ignore to students' job preparation, it means they just achieve half of their education (이 부분은 무슨 뜻인가요? 이해가 되지 않습니다). In addition, without considering job preparation, they will not gain popularity by students who apply colleges or universities which is really essential for their development. For example, every time colleges or universities advertise themselves they show them to show an exact number of employment rates. This is because many people think colleges or universities are the stepping stone for their careers. Furthermore, to make enough money to achieve their goals such as buying cars or paying their children's tuition, they should have their satisfying work place. Secondly, students can gain better and broad knowledge and experiences about their future work places when colleges or universities help them compared to seek information by alone. I believe experience is one of the most essential factors of success in this world. The possibility that students can experience sufficiently without school's aid is almost zero. By seeking job information by many workers in colleges and universities and sharing some ideas within their students, students can not only gain diverse job experiences but also broaden their horizon of the world. For example, in my college, they give us many opportunities for internship. So I went to Samsung as a Internship and this experience gave me a real experience which can be a plus factor when I apply for a real job and my senior coworkers told me a lot of helpful advices. However, if I do not have any assistance from my college, I must have lost this precious experience. To sum up, guiding students for job preparation is colleges and universities duty. Moreover, students will have hard time searching for their future jobs without any supports from schools. In this regard, I fimly believe that colleges and universities should help theirs students be hired by a better company.
Good: 24~30 점수: 24 일단 불필요한 부연설명이 너무 많습니다. 독립형 에세이에서 가장 제일 추구하는 것은 얼마나 에세이가 설득력이 있냐 입니다. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우에는 이러한 불필요한 정보들 때문에 전체적인 에세이 플로우를 방해하고 있습니다. 따라서 항상 에세이를 서술할 땐 간결하게 서술하는 것을 추천합니다. 좋은 에세이는 간결하게 자신의 주장을 다른 사람들에게 전달하는 거 입니다. 작성자각 이러한 부분을 주의하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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