▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that students who have interests in politics today are much more common than in the past. However, I think students were more interested in political issues in the old days and students nowadays even in the same age are rather indifferent to politics for two reasons; first of all, there are many students who are more interested in social networking itself network services than the news. Second, the higher standard of living made students not care about how the politics is going on.
First, it is not an exaggeration that most of students today are having their own smartphones spending most of the day on using them. Also, the use It is mostly for chatting with friends or doing SNS. 대부분의 학생들이 SNS와 스마트폰에 시간을 많이 쓴다는 일반적인 진술은 '정치에 과거보다 관심이 덜하다'라는 명제로 연결하기 어렵습니다. 정치&사회 이슈보다 그들의 일상 공유에 더 신경을 많이 쓰고 자기 자신에게 집중하는 식의 라이프스타일이 더 만연해있어서 정치에 과거보다 관심을 갖기 어렵다, 하는 식으로 주제와 연결할만한 내용을 더 보완해줄 필요가 있어 보입니다. There was a survey conducted by political science majors of Seoul National University with students from 50 high schools as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand how long students use their phone a day and for what they are using smartphones. The majority of respondents replied that they use smartphones three to four hours a day, and above all, 80% of the time is used for doing SNS. Also, the contents of SNS they frequently receive are light like recommendations of good restaurants or funny jokes. Therefore, students who are caught by SNS and accustomed to dealing with light jokes have no time and ability to give interest to political issues.
On top of that, students are politically inactive in these days because the standard of living has have become higher. In the past, there was comparatively little liberty and politically visible injustice, leading students to struggle to change the unfair structure and fight for the political establishment. However, for their effort, students nowadays rarely have to struggle to get liberty or justice, so they are more concerned about their own livings. In other words, the living standard has gone up to some level and political injustice is slighter to feel than the past, helping students ignorant to politics. 좋은 주장과 설명입니다. 관련된 내용으로 관심사 조사내용이라거나 부모님 세대와의 비교 등 사례도 간단하게 제시해주면 좋을 것 같아요.
In conclusion, taking the substantial amount of time using SNS and the higher living standard into in to consideration, I think students today are more politically indifferent that in the past. (358단어)
Comment : 주제에 맞게 주장을 잘 제시해주셨어요. 본론1의 경우에는 설명한 내용을 political issues와 좀 더 연결지으면 좋을 것 같다는 생각이 듭니다. 흐름을 잘 잡아주셨으니 각 본론에서 (본론1-설명보완, 본론2-사례보완) 내용을 더 보완해서 글의 완성도를 높여보는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다~! Comment : 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)
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